identity

so, you can see that i've been dealing with my identity from reading the past few posts. (actually, it's been almost three years.) i'm a Christ-follower, a teacher, a friend, a brother, a son, a writer, a singer, a disabled person. i know God made me in his image. i revel in the fact that i am loved by my Father and that he has put me exactly where i need to be in order for his purpose, and i'm excited at discovering more about what it is! i wonder how i can reconcile all that i am as a witness.

anonymity

i can't hide in anonymity any longer. by the fact that i grew up in augusta, i can always run in to people i knew from back in the day. the fact i'm a teacher makes me recognizable to my students when i'm out on the town. that became ever so clear this past weekend as i was at first friday, and several of my students came up to me to say hi. then i have my disorder, which causes me to walk a little differently than others, so i can't really blend into the crowd. besides, i'm tall and have a dark beard, so that sets me apart from the fair-skinned blondes prevalent here.

even though i can be spotted from fifty paces by an acquaintance, i am dear to God. he knows my name, he knows what i'm feeling. he knows when i'm not feeling well or when i need help, and it's at those precise moments that he sends someone my way who may not realize the part they play in my life.

you're not anonymous; God knows your name.

emociones

the following is part of a lyric by a spanish group called jarabe de palo. the song is called "emociones" ("emotions"), and it pretty much sums up what i'm feeling now.

emociones convertidas en canciones en miradas en / temores en olores que se escapan /emociones que decoran donde se esconden encerradas en / prisiones con muy poca vigilancia. / emoción por despertar las emociones / por revelar las emociones / que recorren mi cabeza.

basically it's talking about all the emotions that are going on inside the singer's head, and he can't quite get them out, but not for lack of trying; it's just there are so many in there, it's almost like they're imprisioned.

i've been feeling swept up in a lot of emotions lately--excitement being the biggest, but also some fear, some lonelieness, happiness, uncertainty, and desire. i think about gavin degraw's song "i don't want to be", and at times i feel like i can take that as my manifesto & just be me. then there are other times when i get to comparing myself to others, and i find myself somehow missing some crucial thing that they have which would make me a better person.

ah, if only i could repress the desire for comparisions that thwart my individuality.

wake up and smell the coffee

i know it's been just over a month since i last posted. this past month has been a roller coaster ride of new things, and i'm glad to have experienced them. in this past month, i started a relationship with a girl whom i think is wonderful and she thinks i'm wonderful, too! (we won't tell her that i'm really not, but just let her keep thinking that i am.) and that's wonderful, too--that she sees my faults, knows i'm not perfect, is discovering my weaknesses, and decides/pursues/desires/chooses me! it blows me away.

a new school year has started, and i had to prepare for that as a teacher. i have the bulletin board set up, the monthly calendar, and my students are settled into a good routine with learning. overall, it seems quite calm now. however, at the beginning of the year, everyone is feeling out the system, so we'll see. i hope to maintain a good learning atmosphere for my students at the high school. my class at the uni started this week, and my students are very receptive and laugh at my jokes, so that's a good thing. ;)

during my blog hiatus, i've also moved into a place of my own, thus taking a giant step in making it on my own two feet. it's a two story townhouse very centrally located, and i'm getting used to it. i haven't lived in a two story house in 20 years (no, seriously, it's been 20 years), so i'm adjusting. i like waking up in my own house and making my own coffee in my own kitchen in my underwear. (just had to throw that in. sorry for any scarring from that mental image.)

most importantly, i've learned more about myself and how to prioritize what i have to do. no one else is helping me now; it's all on my shoulders, so if i drop the ball, the ball stays dropped until i'm able to pick it up again. my family rejoices with me that i am recovered enough to make this move, but i'm still reminded of how i need to rely on God's strength for every movement. i take refuge in the verse that says that when i am weak, He is strong. indeed, when i am weak, i feel like i am more able to receive God's word, to listen to his guiding, to revel in his love and glory.

something steve said this past sunday, "God delights in me," really struck a chord. God delights in me. he knows my faults and my weaknesses, and he created my strengths. that just makes me a little happier! :D

grace & peace.

thanksgiving

thanksgiving came early this year. i went to atlanta yesterday, and spent practically the whole day in and out of restaurants. i started a new relationship. i spent two hours in borders reading poetry. i heard a girl whisper poetry to herself; i thought i was the only one that did that. and, yes, we spent a good bit of time eating.

we went to see rob bell of nooma.com talk about the creation and how everything that God created relates to everything else. everything is connected. everything is spiritual. he spoke two hours straight and used up the entire space of a white board about 20 ft long. his energy was electrifying and spontaneous, yet he spoke with such authority! he even talked about the space-time contiuum, which i had used as an example for teaching verb tenses. i think we could be friends.

how do we mark new beginnings? with muffin tops from atlanta bread company or coffee cups or certain robes. a friend said that Jesus should be a major occurrence, not a minor disturbance. how do i mark a new beginning? how have i shown that i have had a major encounter with Jesus Christ?

butterflies

new things are happening in my life and in the lives of those close to me. church is fantastic. i've developping new & deeper friendships, i looked at a flat today, and i get to spend all day tomorrow with a pretty girl and see rob bell from nooma.com speak. i've actually got butterflies.

rent

i was listening to the rent soundtrack tonight, and two songs hit me, just like every time i listen to them. i hold onto these songs because i feel like i'm just 'renting' this body. they're short songs, so i'll include them here below.

i find some of what you teach suspect because i rely on intellect, but i try to open up to what i don't know because reason says i should have died three years ago. there's only us, there's only this. forget regret, your life is yours to lose. no other road, no other way. no day but today.

will i lose my dignity? will someone care? will i wake tomorrow from this nightmare?

***

things are happening

Be glad for all God is planning for you. Be patient in trouble, and always be prayerful. Romans 12:12 NLT

i've been hearing other people talk about life changes in addition to what's going on at church, and i thought this verse from radio station air1.com really fits. how are we finding our way in the midst of all these changes? kevin wrote a post about change being the only constant, and i can totally relate to that. to close with a quote from that wonderful movie lone star state of mind, baby says 'if you're not living, you're dying.'

living sacrifices

Romans 12: 1: Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship. (emphasis added)

by having a neuromuscular disorder that causes muscle weakness and difficulties with balance and gait, i struggle with how i can fit into society--secular and christian--as an independent and potent man who can take care of himself. but on the ride home from journey team tonight, Romans 12:1 hit me: i should offer my body as a living sacrifice, which is my spiritual act of worship. if i offer my body to God, weak legs and all, then i am worshipping him! a sacrifice is something that was offered once--burnt on the altar to God. the fact that we are LIVING sacrifices means that the fire continues to consume us, purifying us to be more like God as we are made in his image. our spiritual act of worship takes away all trappings of our physical nature. as i heard once, we are not physical beings having a spiritual experience, rather spiritual beings having a physical experience. what matters to God is my heart and my spirit coinciding with his will. man looks at my crutches, but God looks at my heart.

i got to thinking about how i interact with others, or what i do in order to show others Jesus living in me. i was doing just fine earlier today and was able to accomplish things i wanted to do. but as it drew nearer to the time to go to Bible study, i was feeling weak. there's a spiritual war going on around me, and i can feel that the more intensely i want to be with other christians, the the weaker i feel.

Lord, i offer my body to you as you made me and with the weaknesses you permit me to have. i thank you for the community i have that supports me and spurs me on to worshipping you! you are all-powerful, and i worship you for your great rule over the universe, but the fact that you care about knowing me intimately blows me away. you are holy, and i want to be wholly yours.

rediscovery

i recently e-mailed a girl i hadn't talked to in about a year. we have a long history together, and it's a new beginning/continuation of our friendship. she's been extremely patient with me as i've grown into who i am right now. since i've been on vacation, i've been doing a whole lot of nothing. just reading, reflecting, listening to music and hanging out with friends. as you can see, it's been a whole month of r&r--very deserved for a teacher. :)

but in my community groups, i keep hearing the phrase 'know your heart', and i've been thinking about how i project myself and how others perceive me. how real have i been lately? i've been thinking about that as i went through some of my writings from over the past five years--things written in joyous times and times when i've been at the end of my rope. in reading about those dark times, they're such distant memories, almost like another person wrote those things. it's like i don't know that person anymore.

am i still that person, have i tried to hide that person, or have i understood the changing power of God's grace? these are questions i've been pondering.

grace and peace.

back to my roots

last week someone challenged me to start writing again. he's not the first one that has suggested i write as a type of catharsis. as a matter of fact, he's one of several over the past couple of years, but the most recent that really made me think. i've been journaling throughout my illness, and i've written a few poems here and there, but i have purposely not written anything creative in the past nine months or so for two reasons: 1) i've been mentally exhausted after teaching all day and 2) i haven't wanted to creatively discover what might have been hidden so deep. blogging and journaling seemed to be a safer route to catharsis than the truth of poetry.

since last week, i've read through some of my work from the past five years, and i've tried to look at the world around me through a poet's eyes like i used to. i wrote so many essays in grad school that i think my poetry skills have become a little rusty. especially word placement, not so much diction because my diction has always been frank; well, i dance around the issue a little, like in real life. not like that of my poet friend michelle. she was my comrade during our years in undergrad. absolutely astounding how she manipulated the english language.

but i did write a short something about my glasses sitting on my desk. :) and i unearthed the novel i started five years ago. i guess i'm a writer again.

***
ps: please note "apart" is the act of being separate from something. i know you mean "a part".

vulnerability

probably one of the greatest books on vulnerability i've read is His Brother's Keeper by jonathan weiner. it's about stephen who has lou gherig's disease (amyotrophic lateral sclerosis or als) and his brother jamie who takes his every passion and puts it into developing a foundation that will raise money for research of a cure for als. his goal is to cure als, and weiner does an excellent job at describing the scientific and economic venture that ensues, but he mixes it with jamie's personal goal: saving stephen.

a passage i'd like to share comes from weiner's own interaction with stephen:
It was painful to watch him strain. I wanted to turn polietely away, but if I did then I could not understand what he said. I had to keep my eyes locked on his and watch him carefully. This forced me to face what he was facing and hear what he was saying, and he was putting all he had into saying it. [. . .]
Stephen was as sensitive and observant as ever, concerned about everyone around him. He often thought his disease was harder on others than it was on himself. (p 345)

weiner continues on p 346: His illness was a normal accident, and he refuesed to mythologize it.

i do not have als. i do not have a life-threatening disease. my muscles are not wasting away. though i do not know what my illness is, it's fairly certain i will not die from it. i have learned to live with the uncertainty of it as well as living with a level of vulnerability. i have tried to hide my vulnerability as much as possible lately. however, i was paralyzed at community group last night, and it was extremely awkward for me. perhaps i needed a reminder that i am not in control. what has been more painful for me from the beginning has been watching those around me feel so helpless. i like the part about stephen's illness being 'a normal accident'. in learning to live with my 'new' body, have i reduced the entire mystery of my illness to a simple brush-off, thereby actually making others helpless when they ask me if i need anything when i am physically vulnerable?

in my head

i woke up early this morning with a searing headache, was able to get back to sleep, and later awoke again with this phrase of a song in my head. i'm not sure if it's an original song or if it is something that I heard yesterday but here is the phrase: Holy holy Lord God Almighty / Be still, behold your God.

it's probably a composite of two other songs i've heard in the past couple of days. perhaps this is an incentive for me to start writing again. wherever this phrase came from, it's a strong reminder for me to be still and behold the Lord as the central focus of my day.

*this post was written with Dragon NaturallySpeaking voice-to-text software.

on my own two feet

so i'm in the middle of a very important decision, which is a process that has been going on since last october--moving. yikes! since i came back to augusta from spain, i've been up to middlebury, vermont, twice to finish my studies while living in the dorm there; i started two new jobs; and i researched buying a house. but now i'm looking at renting an apartment--something i haven't done in two & a half years. it's so weird how i found a flat in 4 days (with my roomie, of course) in madrid, and here i am agonizing about a flat that's PERFECT (except for the brown carpet) in the very area i grew up in. now it feels like i'm hesitating to have the one thing i lost: complete independence. it's a beautiful feeling to have options, but sometimes the options can be scary.

i looked at the flat for the first time on friday, and i'm looking at it again tomorrow. i'm going to take some pics and measurements, and who knows? i may even sign a lease. not too bad. my life has been a great big lesson on patience and looking for the will of God. i truly pray that i can use my new place for God's glory, since it's He who has given me this blessing.

madrid

while tony bennett may have left his heart in san francisco, i left my legs in madrid, spain. that's where i got ill. that's where i was just starting out in life. that's where i had been the happiest so far. that's been the changing point of the entire direction of my life. and now that my friends over there at middlebury in madrid have finished their year, i sit here thinking about my own experiences 2 1/2 years ago when i was over there, and it seems like just last year.

i'm also at the end of my first year of teaching after earning my master's from middlebury. it's very different being on the other side of the desk, but i'm looking forward to continuing my education. i'm looking at middlebury again so i can get some closure in living in madrid. i want to go back to madrid in order to sort of reclaim my legs.

in the meantime, i'm excited about the opportunities i have here! i'll make it over there, don't worry.

mythical numbers

i just heard a news blurb about a $70 billion spending bill. it seems so strange to say that it's almost like bilbo welcoming everyone to his 'eleventy-first birthday'. they even kind of sound alike.

simple things amuse me.

ΘΕΑΤΡΟΝ

i've been thinking about this word this past week as i wasn't doing too well. i've been thinking about being a spectacle and not wanting to stand out as totally different. this led me to think about a theatre group i once saw in high school called "theatron"--the word is anglicized from the greek θέατρον, which means something to be seen/watched/contemplated/observed in addition to the place where the action to be seen takes place. this is the origin for our word 'theatre'.

i think about my part in this huge cast of humans on earth, and i wonder if i really do stick out as much as i think, or if i'm just one more person on the stage of the world or as part of the song 'reasons why' by nickel creek says: 'And standing on a darkened stage / Stumbling through the lines'. i think about walking with a heavy limp, a crutch, having to manually position my legs while sitting, and talking differently. and then i think of how Jesus was made a spectacle on the cross. they beat him, didn't believe him, cursed him, and killed him.

i just get funny looks.


***
for more information on the origin of theatre:
"The term “theatre” which we currently designate as the literary genre as well as the physical space where it takes place comes from the Greek word θέατρον (theatron), which came to mean “place where you look” or “what you see”, so it is a noun created from the verb θέομαι (to see, look, contemplate, observe). So, what was in the beginning “the place” where one saw something, the θέατρον (what you see) also came to be “the group of spectactors” and, even more so, came to refer to the literary genre based on the representation where the spectators contemplated something (the θέατρον) which is what is contemplated (the θέατρον) in a space ready for such contemplation (θέατρον)" (-from http://club2.telepolis.com/mandragora1/ [originally in Spanish]).

doing battle

it seems like so many around me have been touched by illness or personal catastrophe recently. please keep those that you know in prayer and pray for the strength and healing of God's body here on earth. pray that it may be a powerful witness to those that are lost.

trial run

so, i've been house-sitting this week. not too bad. had to call in sick to work on tuesday because i was paralyzed, but overall it's been good to see that i can make it on my own two feet. that's a good thing.

**

mainstream God

i was in express men today looking at the t-shirts, and i noticed that though they were marketing a sort of artistic element for today's modern man, the slogans were fit for battle: strength in valor, not in arms; fight for justice and respect all mankind; valor is paramount, etc. these t-shirts struck me because you could see them as just an ordinary t-shirt, and think, 'cool, it's from express'. but it reenforces God's intent for man to seek him and to be strong and courageous, as we are made in his image.

i also thought of the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe, which i saw last weekend (apropos for good friday, no?), and i've been pondering two things: 1) how aslan decided to take edmund's place as a sacrifice, and 2) how peter developped into a leader. sure, he was the big brother looking out for his younger siblings, but he trusted in the power of aslan as true leader and redeemer of narnia. i need to watch that movie again and re-read the books (it's been about 15 years or so) to see the parallel of aslan to the Lion of Judah and his redeeming power.

i bought a necklace at the third day concert i went to two or three weeks ago, and it has the brittish lion logo on it. it reminds me of the power of the Lion of Judah and how he lives in my heart, saves me from my sins, and fights for the souls of the lost. it has made the Savior of the world more alive to me, especially this week after easter, and i feel more empowered. Jesus protects me and fights for me, yet--to draw the parallel back to narnia--he gives me the choice to follow him and to fight for what i, too, believe in.

sometimes following means not knowing where you're going...