realization

wednesday night i was a journey team, and we were telling our stories. it came to be my turn, and i said it had been three years since i'd been ill. as i sat there recounting my story, it really hit me how long it has actually been. in the smally scheme of things, three years is nothing. i was in high school for four years, in college another three, and it took me two to do grad school. i was a teenager for, what, nine years. so why is this *three* so significant to me?

it's probably because of how great a turn my life took. not being able to move your body for extended periods of time will do that you. being in and out of a wheelchair for a year and a half or so will do that to you. not being able to hear your own voice at certain times will do that to you. walking fine one day, then not being able to at all this weekend can have an effect on you. i still struggle with the question 'why?', but it doesn't matter to me as much as it has to those around me. i've gotten better at being on my own two feet, and i'm very proud of that and thankful that God has given me the strength to be independent. i have a great job, and i'm active my church, which has accepted me so openly partly because they don't really know me any other way.

but, why does a feeling of insignificance still crop up despite all i've been able to do these past three years? at times i believe i'm living a full life. other times, i feel like i'm still trying to reclaim what i lost. how much did i lose? i think i lost pride in my own abilities, and i've gained a new sense in relying on God. i have to rely on Him in order to get out of bed in the morning, to make my breakfast, to not fall down. i have to rely on him to give me the words to say.

i'm extremely thankful to everyone who has had an impact in my life over the past three years, and i truly cherish our relationships. thank you for your strength, which reflects our Father's.