hiatus

my last post was in madrid, the day after our engagement party at oasis madrid & so much has happened in the past month on hiatus. here's a rundown:

-left madrid for georgia
-in georgia for a week with my family (my brother flew in for the weekend, too!)
-in kentucky for a week with kelly's family
-kelly & i fly out of augusta--her to madrid & me to arkansas to visit my brother & his family
-back in augusta for two weeks
-fly to boston to spend the night with my recently former roommate
-drive up to middlebury from boston
-register for courses
-confirm courses

so here i am foux da fa fa in vermont. yes, that's right, folks, i'm studying french at middlebury college for the summer. i wasn't sure how different or similar it would be from my time in the spanish school, but it's just different enough to warrant a different experience, so i'm looking forward to it. a highlight of the week is working out in an air-conditioned collegiate gym and not having to wait to workout on farely new machines that have all the numbers on the weights (yes, in both lbs and kg). so, when i arranged the pic on the machine to the kilos that i know, it didn't seem like all that much, but then seeing the visual reminder that pounds are twice as much as kilograms, i was quite pleased with myself for lifting all that gargantuan amount of weight. ;)

winding down

it's a comfort to know when you're singing the hit the road blues that anywhere else you could possibly go after madrid would be...

a pleasure cruise.

mr & mrs charming

last night was our oasis madrid engagement party. indeed, it was the first of three parties we're having in three weeks. and since it's not everyday one gets married--much less the first oasis madrid love story--everyone got dressed up a bit. how fun! we're such a relaxed church and more used to seeing everyone in jeans more often than slacks.

it was really fun!

kelly and i arrived in a taxi and had to give the taxi driver quite specific instructions to get the the cadys' flat. kelly wore her bonus prize dress (bought with her bonus prize money from her proposal scavenger hunt. you ask her more about it or see my post on the proposal.) i wore the same dark blue shirt i wore on our first date and some gray slacks i had bought recently. these were practically the only ones i could wear since losing about 5 or so more pounds since our first date in january (for a grand total of 40 lbs in the past year). as it turns out, i was probably more dressed up for this party than i will be for my actual wedding.

troy gave us a great toast, and as kelly and i were in the center of the living room, very much the center of attention, i felt very blessed to be part of this family. kelly felt like a princess; i felt like prince charming. and i must admit i felt a bit like a star on the red carpet as there were so many flashes going on! :) i had brought my camera, but hardly touched it; everyone else had theirs, so i'm looking forward to seeing all these compiled memories. one thing we do really well at oasis madrid is combined memories. last night may have been just another service, as the whole church was there! and that's another thing i love about oasis madrid: we really do life together. it was amazing to see the outpouring of love last night and how much they affirm our marriage.

this weekend starts the family tour (to continue with the rock star theme), as we travel to the junited estates on thursday to spend time with my family, then travel to see kelly's family. since my friends & family recognize how momentous it is for me to bring home a fiancee, they're rallying around to meet her. and kelly has family who's driving in about 10 hours specifically to see us; they're making this a sort of impromptu family reunion.

an oasis madrid love story.

addendum

i'll also write a post on the influence of the beliefs of the catholic church to the protestant church. i realize i have yet to write a post on any of the topics i mentioned last friday, but i've been busy catching up on my sleep. ;) cheers.

reflexiones

it's the end of the semester and school year, so it's time for my yearly reflexiones. here are some things i've been reflecting about and will be the subjects of future blog posts since this post would be enormously long if i were to put all of them in here.

-immigrants

-blending

-exams

-youtubes at 4am

-new music

-bus vs metro

it's been almost a year since i've moved to this lovely country, and i wonder how fast i will adapt back to america this summer. also, i wonder how it will work being in vermont this summer but under quite different circumstances, primarily being in the french school and not having kelly to hang out with and be with even though i've been up there four times already. i'm up for a challenge, though.

why?

why is it that i feel prolific and creative at 3 in the morning when i should be asleep, but actually don't want to get up to get my journal, thereby fully waking myself up to produce said creative project, so i just lay there hoping to recreate the magic of sleepy creativity in the morning when i wake, knowing that i won't, indeed, remember the sentiment nor be able to accurately recreate the setting in which i was originally creative, hence relegating myself to wallowing in my own creativity and creation when it strikes--something akin to experiencing a first kiss?

i guess we'll never know.

imagine that

God is in control. imagine that! well, after this past year of relying on God for the next move in my life, after the past three months of such an amazing and surprising relationship with kelly, and looking back to the past 5 years when God has led me and cared for me in coming to Spain in the first place and then teaching me about how he cares for me even more than the sparrows and showing me his nature as the Great Physician, i've just lost sight of how my Father actually is in control. i can't change that, and his plans for me are infinitely better than i could imagine on my own.

i had a long talk with God last night as i walked home. i told him that i gave all my stresses to him. i repented of taking control of my life, of having a fatalist attitude about my work. and i thanked him for redeeming me and for being a co-heir with Christ. i claim my Father's blessings as his child. i know that doesn't mean that everything will be smooth and easy for me, but i rest in the fact that he is in charge, not me, and that i can rest easy at night belonging to him.

you'd think i'd have learned this by now. ;)

we should get jerseys

'cause we make a good team.



thanks to relient k for the title of this post. i sang this line to kelly the other day as we took a daytrip to segovia. :) but for our jerseys, i think i'll get them with our last name on it. well, it's not hers yet, but it will be this fall! i'm sure she'll put her side of the story on her blog but here it is on mine; besides, there are different viewpoints.



i set up a scavenger hunt for her a la amazing race and enlisted friends from all over the city to help. she had a clue that led her to that person where she got a task to complete. these could be anything from memorizing a Bible verse in dutch to taking our friend's baby to a local panadería for merienda. oh and there's the part where she gave a guy friend of ours a package to unwrap and it was underwear.



there are pictures.



that's right, folks, she had to get a picture of completing each task. it was set up that our friend, lisa, was going to meet kelly for lunch on wednesday, then she would present her with the instructions and the first clue. lisa was so excited about the whole thing and besides being a clue herself, she really pushed for the part that there had to be photos. i asked if she would be willing to take them, and she practically squealed! and another friend, leisl, had come in from castellón to visit (and go on the church easter retreat with us), so she was at lunch, too, and went on the scavenger hunt and helped take pictures (leisl took this one. thanks!)! it was also special that they shared in this because lisa was kelly's roommate last year, and leisl and kelly did a good chunk of the camino de santiago last summer, so both are special people.)


the photos are great (i'll soon load them, but you can see others here), and they really show how kelly had to go all over the city all afternoon. it took her about 5 hours or so to get to me, the last clue. her last task was to follow the blue arrows ("Suivez les flèches bleues.") inspired from a scene in the movie amélie where she sets up blue arrows around a park in the montmartre section of paris to get the attention of a guy she likes. she got her task from mary, who simply handed her the first arrow and sent her off to me. i set up these arrows around kelly's neighborhood and pointed them to the plaza dos de mayo, where we've spent a lot of time--impromptu picnics and late night chats. she found the last arrow and came walking across the plaza. when she was about halfway, i got down on one knee and just showed her the ring.



"will you marry me?"



"yes."

new start

i'm on vacation for the next two weeks, so i thought i'd take some time to chill and reflect on what's all happened and maybe give a new look to the blog, now in it's second year. so much has happened to me and around me and for me in the past two years, and it's always good think about those times and how they've impacted my life. here's a summary, not in any particular order.

-great church and great community at truenorth church
-great church and great community at oasis madrid church
-a wonderful townhouse in augusta
-having the summer off for once in 2006
-earning steady money for two years with a good job
-being a grownup
-moving back to madrid in september 07
-working with a church while living and studying abroad
-regularly going to the gym and running!
-losing 30 lbs
-going off my medicine!
-being more confident in who i am as God made me with the strengths and weaknesses that make me a unique addition to his body
-having the support of family and friends to pursue dreams
-meeting a wonderful woman and falling into God's plan after four years of preparing us for each other
-falling in love

vacation and immigrants

a friend of my roommate's is visiting this week from the states & he doesn't speak a word of spanish. he can barely say "hola", and it's so weird for him--by his own admission--to hear nate and me have complete discussions in both spanish and english. so, today, i started taking note of things that he might notice that are completely new and different to him, but that i take completely normal. i'll think of some more things and get back to you.

high of 75

listening to relient k this morning is great because there's a song about the weather. it's perfect because i'm at a point where it's rainy and cold, but it also talks about being happy in Jesus since he "took my heavy heart and made it light." that's just a great reminder for me today as i'm gearing up for revisions of papers and midterms.

and now there's the song "my girl's ex-boyfriend". "who would believe my life would be so blessed?" yeah, that's just great! kelly & i just celebrated our month-iversary on valentine's day. of course, i had to be reminded to plan something for valentine's day. despite the fact that i have a calendar right next to my desk where valentine's day is plainly marked on the 14th, i, apparently, had not figured that thursday, the 14th was just two days away from tuesday, the 12th and had invited a friend, vivi (yes, another girl), over for dinner that night and was also inviting my girlfriend over. in recounting this to kelly on tuesday the 12th, she was surprised and insisted that i verify that i had invited vivi over for thursday. here's how it went down:

"so, i invited vivi over for dinner on thursday. i know you've wanted to meet her, and she's wanted to meet you," i say nonchalantly while videochatting.

"thursday?" she asks, turning her head towards her webcam as if she hadn't heard me clearly the first time.

"yes, thursday. this thursday, around 9." i figured it would have been perfect since the three of us had off, and it was nate's (my roommate) last day of class for the week.

"really, paul? this thursday?" she asks, leading me water, but trying not to force my head down until the bubbles stop.

"what's wrong with thursday?" i ask, throwing my hands up in the air, not able to grasp the fact that my girlfriend was questioning my dinner party planning.

"it's valentine's, day, paul," she bluntly states. yes, folks, my dear girlfriend has now learned that subtletly is not my strongsuit and that i may need some gentle prodding here and there, especially in the realm of heart-themed holidays.

not quite convinced, i say: "no, really? already?" and i look on my wall to check the calendar for the box that has "14" and "valentine's day" clearly marked on it.

"oh," i say, somewhat sheepishly. (yes, i know i've mixed my animal metaphors: horse, cattle, sheep. i'm studying spanish art, not english blog narrative.) "perhaps, we'll postpone dinner until friday."

no day but today

over the past week, i've been in a physical topsy-turvy, back to my 3/1 operating system: 3 limbs working, 1 not at any given time. i've bounced back and forth between pain, strong muscle contractions, weakness and numbness, and asthma attacks. i hate this kind of uncertainty, but realize this is life is not my own. i don't have to have a perfectly-functioning body in order to be a valued person. i'm valuable because i'm created and loved by God.

there's no day but today.

the fishbowl

"welcome to the fishbowl", kelly said to me when we started dating. the "fishbowl" is our church community, and since she's on staff & we have a good number of mutual friends who got to know me separately while she was in the states last fall, people were waiting and watching. when she came back to madrid, apparently, there was a pool to see how long it would take for us to get together. whoever guessed "one week" won.

going in to week three, i guess we're still in the fishbowl as everyone's seeing the progression of our relationship, but it doesn't feel as much like we're on display. we're more of a fixture now.

get busy

today, i only had one class, after which i went for a coffee, which i normally do on tuesdays. afterwards, i came back to school and looked up how to fix my 6to4 network adapter, which has prevented me from accessing my internet (and the skype which doth connect me to the outside work whilst at home). so i printed out some stuff and will go try that. i also uploaded a bunch of photos from morocco onto my flickr site (http://flickr.com/photos/profepj/), but there are still some more from the other half of the week. i´ll get to those later.

now, i´m hungry and will be enjoying the weather and time to walk home. once i get home, i´ll eat and try to fix my network adapter problem, then go grocery shopping and jog later. i may or may not go to the gym today since i may not be able to go tomorrow.

isn´t today supposed to be my easy day?

don´t go chasing butterflies

or whatever that tlc song was from the 90s. see, my new girlfriend & i are 90s music fans.

that aside, i´d like to take a moment and talk about butterflies. you see, butterflies are what i normally have when i see a situation that might be remotly beneficial for me, then i overanalyze it from 14 different angles, and eventually talk myself out of it. or i freeze up and let these little butterflies grow into big butterflies that, as they fly en masse in my stomach, end up flying me away from this great situation.

so, last week, i had this big date with this wonderful girl. during the week, there were some butterflies. yes, there are always are. does she think i´m remotely attractive/funny/interesting/intelligent/coherent? does she think i have any concept of taste, whether in music, movies, food or clothes? might she want to spend some time with me? you know those butterflies.

on thursday right before our big (read: make-it-or-break-it) date, i went for a run to let out some of these butterflies, and by the time i was done 4 miles later, they had pretty much all flown out. long story short, it was a fantastic date! (on a side note, go see jesucristo superstar or its variant in inglés. it´s fantastic, both as a show and as good teaching.)

now comes the giddy getting-to-know-you phase, and i´m just eating it up. :)

smittenly yours,
paulo

back from the junited estates

after a month´s hiatus due to finishing exams, traveling to the junited estates for christmas vacation and going to morocco, i´m back in madrid. today is the first day of class, and it looks like this semester is going to shape up a little less hectic than the last, the main reason being i won´t have that thesis qualifying paper hanging over my head and finding every spare moment to work on it. the weather is better, the routine easy to fall into, and i´m getting more involved with church, which means i´m very much more now than before a madrileño.

the week after exams was a chill week for me. my flatmate left that sunday, and since i wasn´t leaving until that thursday, i had a lot of time to sleep. i was planning on going to the gym that week, but between sleeping late and going to bed late (apparently i was pre-adjusting my body to the eastern u.s. time zone) and going out with friends, i had little time for that, though i still went running everyday. tuesday, i went to the mountains to see snow and had the absolute BEST hamburger EVER in a mountain lodge restaurant. it was so goooood. wednesday, i spent it with a good friend, aaron, who accompanied me to the latino store where i got food to make for community group that night. after community group, aaron came over and spent the night since he was also leaving for the junited estates the next day, and i live closer to the airport.

two weeks in the states seems like a whirlwind, but i had a relaxing and peaceful time. i had two weird feelings that i wasn´t anticipating: 1) familiarity with driving and 2) no reverse culture shock. everything was oddly familiar, though i´d been away for the past 6 months. apparently i was ready for a visit and realized i wasn´t "coming home".

i took a long weekend right before new year´s and visited my brother & family in west arkansas. i had such a terrific time seeing him be a father to his two beautiful girls and to see how he and his wife have matured in their marriage and in parenthood. i got to love on the oldest and incarnate that "crazy uncle" image her parents keep telling her about. :) apparently they weren´t too far off. after returning to georgia for a few days, it started to hit me that i wanted to stay a little longer--that perhaps i had made too short a trip.

two hours after arriving in madrid, i was a tour guide to some students from georgia who were passing through madrid to study in salamanca. it was a whirlwind weekend, but we had a great time, and though doing touristy things, i got to see some exhibits in the art museums that i hadn´t seen last semester, so i was glad to show them around. besides, i like to take eating tours through cities, and my tours are, too. :)

a week in morocco was so much more than i had anticipated, and i´m so glad i had the chance to go. looking back now at the start of the trip, i had no idea what i was getting into, but it turned out to be an amazing time of making new friends and discovering how to listen to the Spirit more. besides, it was incredible to see the atlantic close up on this side and to have it in the background. this is even more spectacular since i live in the very center of spain.

i was gone for 3 short weeks, and it seems like not much has happened without me. i´m glad to be back home, glad to be with people who are my family here and make me appreciative of my family in the junited estates.

the sound of silence

so, my friend, paul who's currently in american samoa, told me that Our Lady of Perpetual Responsibility was going to smite me for not blogging. my goodness, i've been studying and writing all this time. seriously. but all this silence is starting to get to me. maybe that's why i like living in the big city or even enjoyed (aspects of) teaching high school.

this morning, i had to get up a little early so i would be awake to take an exam, and as i'm studying and my flatmate is studying, it's just too darn quiet! maybe i'm more spanish than i thought (i can see you shaking your heads because you're saying 'no, he was always a little off.') it was explained to me by my former flatmate that the spanish seem to have a pathological fear of silence. like 2 seconds of quiet on a phone conversation is cause for panic, so just imagine hours of it.

then again, there's always the ticking of the keyboard.

Our Lady of Perpetual Responsibility

i grew up listening to a prairie home companion by garrison keillor on national public radio, and he has said that in lake woebegone, everyone was lutheran, whether you really were or not, and the central church was the Church of Our Lady of Perpetual Responsibility.

to parallel that, i´ve been living here in (e)spain for almost four months, and i´ve come to realize that everyone´s catholic here, whether you really are or not. everyone from the señoras that wear the black overcoats and carry their little grocery carts that look like carryon luggage to the señores who meet in the bar as big as a bedroom to share a beer and a laugh to the young hipsters and businessmen that stop to look at the shoe stores every 5 meters. it´s especially evident when there are local and national festivals dedicated to saints. for example nov 9 here in madrid was a holiday recognized by the local government as the day of the Virgen de la Almudena, the patron saint of madrid, and they televised the mass in the plaza mayor and the subsequent procession of the clergy and (statue of) the virgen to the cathedral as in the manner of the thanksgiving day macy´s parade, replete with live helicopter footage as well as interviews with little girls along the route.

it´s also in the language, when to say that something is over the top, it´s la hostia (the eucharistic host); it´s perfectly normal to name your daughter maría josé or maría jesús and your son josé maría or jesús maría.

in spain, there´s a patron saint for everything, so i´m going to borrow from the luterans of nothern minnesota and take Nuestra Señora de la Perpetua Responsabilidad as the patron saint of students, particularly grad students, as she whispers to us when our papers are due, reminds us to turn off the television to study or to get off facebook and use the computer como Dios manda (as God commands) and write that 10 page paper.

so, that´s the news from madrid, where are the women wear heels that way too high, all the men wear pants that are too tight, and all the children are in strollers until they´re 7 years old.

Baby J Volume 2

my niece, Baby J Volume 2 (read dos), is going to be born next friday, 23 nov 2007! her older sister, dad and mum (especially) are very excited to meet her, as well as her extended family! i want her to know that she is very loved and that we and our church families around the world have been praying for her since we found out she was coming into our lives. i'm even planning a b-day party for her here in madrid to celebrate!

she's currently called Baby J Volume 2 because her mum and dad want her name to be special and especially for her. this nickname comes from her parents. of course, the initial J comes from her last name, and the Volume 2 is because her older sister was born last year; until she was born, we called her Humanita (literally, little human girl).

please join me in praying for a safe last week of pregnancy for my sis-in-law, a safe delivery of Baby J Volume 2 (by c-section at 7am CST) next friday, and for a smooth transition into the family.

crazy uncle paulo

triumphs addendum

Phil 4:13: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

i've been reflecting on my past post, and i think i gave the impression that i was having these triumphs because of sheer human determination. that's not the impression i want to give at all, and i recognize that all the strength i have, any triumph i have is because God sustains me and has given me the ability to overcome any obstacle. he is the one who permits bad things to happen to us, but is the source of every good gift and eagerly blesses his children.

Job 12:10: In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind.

triumphs

every time i do something, i see it as a triumph. i get up in the morning with no pain: triumph. i walk well: triumph. i run three miles a day five days a week: triumph. i run with pain: triumph. i ran five miles on sunday: triumph. i have never run five miles even before i got ill, so imagine the triumph i felt sunday afternoon!

tomorrow is four years since i started the major symptoms, and today i´m walking with a crutch. i don´t have pain, really, but weak function, and it´s discouraging because it has been four years since i got ill, and it´s a reminder that i´m not on the road to recovery, rather on the road of management. as i was running yesterday, i was thinking about this concept of triumphs. i don´t see my need to use a crutch today as a setback. what i would be set back from? rather, it´s another step in my managing my disorder.

i´m training for the madrid marathon in april. yes, that´s right. a marathon. how on earth, you might say, are you going to run a marathon when you have to lift your legs out of bed on any given morning? well, i´ll tell you. last thursday i was limping pretty bad, when my flatmate, who is my trainer, saw me changing to go running with him. he asked me how i was going to run when i could hardly walk. i told him, i don´t know, but we´ll see. it turns out that i limped to the park, ran the 3 miles like usual, then limped back. the same on sunday. so there. i´m not training to win the marathon; i´m pretty much planning on being the last one to cross the finish line.

but i´ll cross it.

the flight, the elephant and the sweet tea

last night i had a dream i which i traveled to the united states (after four years of being here in spain), mediated a marriage reconciliation, helped deliver a baby elephant and secure the next generation, wrestled with a leopard, and got the secret to good sweet tea, which, according to a dear lady who shares my birthday, is pot liquor from collards. who knew? alas, we don´t really have collards here in spain.

i woke up tired, as you can imagine, from having such a busy night.

at least i got the secret to good sweet tea.

running the race

so, what´s that verse about training to run the race so as you´re not flailing your arms and what not? well, i´m running and training, and i keep thinking about that verse as i do my miles (or kilometers, as i´m counting). it´s going well, and the weather has cooperated so far. no running in bitter cold nor blustery wind nor rain. though i´d probably just suck it up, knowing my newfound determind nature to do physical activity. oh, that and the absolute gratefulness to the Lord to be able to do it!! can i get a ´wha wha´for Jesus?

ok, sorry that was corny, but hey, it´s culturally relavant. and i like being culturally relavant.

i´m currently reading a book with my community group called irrestible revoultion by shane claiborne, and it´s got my upset, raring to go, and ready to talk. but what is it about this particular book that´s got me so riled up? more to share later.

but now, to run.

football vs fútbol

http://dentites.blogspot.com/2007/10/for-love-of-football.html

this, dear european friends and neighbors, comes from a friend of mine studying in charleston, sc. though i am a natural-born american, i would probably go anyhow just to see why in the world american football is so popular in the united states, or at least for u.s. americans. well, maybe i´d have to put on my espanish accent, ju know, so as not to raise any of the suspishons. becos, ju know, my english no so gudth.

gracias, josh.

i know a man with a wooden leg named smith

oh yeah, what´s the name of his other leg?

that´s how i felt this morning when i took me about 2 1/2 hours to get out of bed. i had every intention to get up, do 2 loads of laundry, transpose notes and start writing thesis prospectus, read for my sintaxis class, go running, shower, cook for community group this afternoon, go to class. all that was transferred 2 1/2 hours later when i woke up, had to drag my legs out of bed, started cooking without running nor going to the gym, and then i had to rest. so i watched a bit of la ruleta de la suerte, which i much rather prefer to wheel of fortune. then i showered, studied and went to class. not the day i had planned, but it´s not over yet. we´ll see how the rest of the evening pans out. i´ve still got to get home, grab the meal i made and make it to community group to heat up.

this morning reminded me that despite the physical strength i´ve had in order to work out and run, i´m still reliant on God´s strength for all things. without him guiding me, it´s like what paul said about doing great things without love--it doesn´t mean anything.

soy inmigrante pt 2

this past weekend, i was a guide for students from georgia visiting madrid before starting the semester term in salamanca, the same university i studied at during the summer of 2002. it was great to show them the madrid i know and love, but to also experience the history of madrid for the first time through their eyes. i had a lot of fun showing them around to places i´ve almost taken for granted. so, i took my camera along and got some touristy shots just like they did. it´s ok, i´m with them. i´m their guide. that sort of thing. ;) i took some pictures of monuments on top of the palace, and looking at them on the screen after i downloaded them, it was so striking how blue the sky was. no, friends, that was not photoshop; the sky was actually that blue! there´s nothing like a spanish sky. of course, today it´s cloudy and rainy, as it´s turned autumn here, but still, i had a great glimpse of it on friday!

so, the reason for the immigrant title of this post is the confirmation by my students that i am, indeed, an immigrant--almost more spanish than georgian. it makes sense. my english is awful (i´m constantly catching myself translating from spanish to english), i eat late, i drink coffee three to four times a day, i walk everywhere, i can spot an ´immigrant´from 50 paces, walk fast on the sidewalk, and fight my way on and off the metro. these are things that were quite strange to these georgia students. but to me, it´s just a way of life. i think with my own flat, i´ve finally settled into a routine and a new way of life. yes, i know, there´s so much i have yet to learn and so much that has been a combination of instinct and previous knowledge. but, i´m feeling more at home here.

soy inmigrante

hi, i´m an immigrant. i didn´t realize this until last night. or maybe it was this morning on the metro on the way to class. i have an american passport, yes, but for as much as i try to adapt to spanish life by the way i dress, the way i speak, the way i listen to my mp3 player on the metro, the more i realize that i am different. i´m in a foreign country. i like it, and i relate in many ways to it, but there are just some things that are easier by being a citizen or at least a long-term resident.

isnt´t that my case as a christian, though? aren´t i supposed to be set apart by the way i think, act, speak from those in the world?

sí, soy inmigrante.

the rain in spain

i made it safe & sound to madrid last monday morning (3 sept), despite some rough turbulence in the north atlantic. that was not fun! but, sunny & rather cool here in madrid is a great change from the georgia heat--and just when i was getting used to it, too. it´s a funny feeling to be back here in madrid for an extended time. i don´t feel the culture shock i felt 4 years ago. it feels like coming home. maybe i never really let go of madrid. it's been a welcoming experience getting reacuainted with the city, though i think my english may have suffered a bit. ;)

it's been a week, and we're still looking for a flat. not too much: 3 bedroom, within 30 minutes walking distance from downtown, relatively close to a metro stop, and for under 1500 euros a month. honestly, it shouldn't be that hard to track one down. we've called and called and if they're not already rented (which has been the majority of the cases) they're too far away or too small or too dirty. but, here's to trying. the air1.com verse of the day for today is "And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you" Psalm 39:7. pretty fitting for today. my two roomies & i have been staying with two other guys in their apartment for the past week, and though there's room, and they don't mind having us there--besides it's a whole lot cheaper than having to pay a hostal each night--we're ready to have our own home, sweet home.

in other news, classes started yesterday. i'm taking three: morfosintaxis of the spanish language, theory of teaching spanish as a second language, and cultural image of spain. it's a good schedule, too. monday and wednesday i have one class at 3:40, and tuesday and thursday i have class at 9:30 and 11. no class on friday, so my weekend starts at 12:21 on thursday afternoon. isn't that great? but, of course, there's still work to be done and cultural things to experience, so it's not a free pass.

i hope things are going well on your side of the atlantic or wherever you may be.

saludos de españa.

praise God from whom all blessings flow

i know it's been about a month since my last post, but the end of the term right after the play (my last post) really hit my hard with research and papers. i mean hard! this was probably my hardest summer, of course, i'm not in the master's program anymore.

in the past week two weeks since the end of the term, i've been on some serious R&R. i went to boston one of my future roomies in order to pick up my passport w/student visa from the spanish consulate. once i got it, i looked at it about 3 times just to make it was there & for real, and i've been very protective of it since i got home. i had a blast in boston, aside from the consulate! nate showed me his hometown--the local's guide to boston. that's what i like most about going to a new city: doing what the locals do rather than follow a tourist guide because i feel like i actually get to know the city as a whole. of course, when i went to boston in mid-july for the consulate, i was only there for a couple of hours, so i didn't get to do any sightseeing. other than sightseeing, we did a lot of sleeping in boston, too. that first night, i was so tired, i was in bed by 11. this may seem trivial, but considering the fact that due to studying i hadn't really gone to bed before 1, i was really glad to be out of the dorm and in bed before midnight.

in the past week and a half, i've been back home for some vacation, and for the first two days, i pretty much slept all day. in addition, i've been getting together with friends, catching up from over the summer, and gearing up to leaving the country. and when i say leaving the country, i mean moving to spain. as many of you know, i'm moving to madrid to continue studying for my doctorate. it's been a wild ride since four years ago when i first went to madrid, got really ill, came back, and started my life all over again. since i've gotten back to augusta two weeks ago, it's funny because a lot of people have been saying how healthy & strong i look. the good news is it's true; they're not just being nice. (though we are in the south.) i started running again over the summer, and i am feeling stronger everyday.

this next week is going to be a great adventure, and to look back at the past four years, the adventure is continuing, not beginning again. it's all been one great adventure, so i can't really mark a new starting point.

praise God from whom all blessings flow. praise him all creatures here below. praise him above the heavenly hosts. praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. amen.

premiere

tonight is the u.s. premiere of the play muy leal (very loyal) written and directed by one of the professors here, pepo delgado costa, and i must say, it's a great pleasure working with him. i've worked with him on three plays now, and this is the most demanding role i've had to date, anywhere. one of the things that makes it so demanding is that i'm playing pepo, so i have to be faithful to the character as he's watching my every move, but try to meld it with my own style. i've acted more here at middlebury in spanish than i have in augusta in english. funny how that happens, isn't it? when we did dress rehearsal yesterday, it was kind of odd because i was the least dressed up--a short sleeve button shirt untucked, khakis & chuck taylors. well, that's what pepo wears. i felt comofortable up there, probably because my wardrobe is from my own closet.

the play is about a playwright wanting to commemorate the tricentennial (1702-2002) of the english attack on the city of arecibo, puerto rico, in which a handful of peasants at the command of capitan antonio de los reyes correa defeated admiral whetstone and his men. peponcio, the playwright, is trying to explain his idea to the director of the teatro oliver, doña olmo, but both the director and her secretary, zoraida, are trying to iron out the details with peponcio, and after the scenes in the office with the three of them, the following scene is the actors' portrayal of peponcio's idea.

it's an amazing play and the cast is terrific! we've put together a whole play, with all that that entails, in 3 1/2 weeks! in comparison, a play on broadway takes at least 6 weeks from first reading to dress rehearsal. so, take that, broadway!

the best part is that my mom, who grew up three towns away from arecibo, knows all about the village of capitan correa, as arecibo is known locally. even though i had told my family i was in a play, when i told her that it specifically took place in arecibo, she was so excited! i hope to get a dvd before i leave; i really want to see everything calmly...and with popcorn.

**chuchi

different

the very thing that separated me from most of my friends in ga was that i spoke spanish. here in middlebury, however, that is now longer something different; rather, it's a common thing. i must, then, choose something else, something different that distinguishes me from others. is it the fact that i act? i sing? i dance? do i study harder than others? are my photos better than others'? i find that in a place where i seem to have lived so little in comparison to others, it's those times that i have to struggle to find my place.

due in part to finding my place of distinction, and due in part to listening to primarily salsa music, i've decided that i, too, want a name worthy of a salsa singer the likes of hector lavoe, marc anthony, celia cruz or even the great tito puente.

i've opted for chuchi rodriguez. that and my acting and singing and studying hard and taking good pics.

hasta luego,
~chuchi

passport

the appointment with the spanish conuslate went well. i arrived 30 mins early & they accepted my passport and papers. i'm supposed to return after august 14th to pick it up! after leaving middlebury at 4:30, i arrived in boston at 9 with about an hour's worth of morning traffic. but the winding country mountain roads at dawn were really pretty. i can't imagine what it would be like up here in the winter on those roads. since this was my second time at the consulate, i was afraid that there was a small chance i wouldn't have everything needed, but i did. of course i found this out after about 45 loooong minutes of waiting after the man at the window initially took my papers. those were probably the longest 45 minutes of my life. and i got back to the paking meter 3 blocks away from the consulate with 2 minutes to spare! God blessed me with a good trip, a successful appointment, and a beautiful afternoon to travel in. it all happened in a blur that when i got back to middlebury, it was like a dream. now, looking back at it a week later, i can hardly believe i did all that the way i did. but it's done & there's work to do here now.

hard work

it's hard work being a doctor.

well, ok, i'm not a doctor yet, and not even the kind that really has to do a lot of stuff like operate or set someone's bones or even prescribe the right cholesterol medicine that doesn't conflict with their high blood pressure and anemia medicines and cause liver damage, stroke, blindness, death or even sexual difficulties. but still, i've got plenty to read, have to write a mini-thesis this summer about my dissertation topic, memorize lines for the play i'm in, participate in choir practice, coordinate fiestas for the hall. i tell you, it's hard work. but very rewarding when it all comes together well. i know it's taken me a little while to get here, but i'm glad for the journey. God's taken me on an amazing journey & i still want to peek around the corner to see what's coming up next.

but for now, it's dinner time. enjoy it with someone.

so, this afternoon...

a transformer blew somewhere near the town of middlebury & the central vermont power service cut the power for the entire town of middlebury, the college, and one or two neighboring towns. so, were there we were, without lights, without electricity, and how were we going to eat dinner? by candlelight, of course! it was eery, but still, the middlebury spirit shone through & it was almost as if nothing had happened. it was kind of like camping for a while--we all gathered around and shared jokes and laughs, food and drinks. it was a great night before classes start tomorrow.

and we're back

wow-it's amazing how much has happened in the past month since my last post! let's see:
-i'm no longer a high school teacher
-one entire week was sponsered by netflix
-i saw my paternal grandfather, whom i haven't seen in about 5 years
-i moved out (initially) of my townhouse

within the past week:
-my bro, sis-in-law & niece, with their 'wonderdog' visited last week
-went to a wedding of good friends
-finished getting necessary papers for my student visa application
-had dinner at blue sky kitchen, yum
-i finished moving things out of my townhouse & got the deposit back (!)

this week:
-i flew to boston
-presented my passport and application for the student visa & was told i didn't have all the info despite following their instructions on the website (i'll have to go back)
-moved into my dorm room at middlebury college
-met with the director of the program about my course of study
-am getting to know old friends & making new ones

thanks to all who supported me over the past 4 years to help me get to where i am now. i followed God & he's led me back here to the mountains of vermont (of all places) to study spanish. what a ride it's been.

and don't worry, i'll blog more. ;)

ciao.

butterflies

it's the last week of the school year--exams, grades, graduation. a time for endings and beginnings. and butterflies. you know, those little things that you get in your stomach when you know something really big is about to happen, but you're not quite sure how you're going to react or what's going to happen and you can't quite remember how on earth you got into this situation to begin with.

well, the countdown to middlebury has unofficially begun, and now i have to arrange for visa applications, filling out forms, registering, and financial aid to get ready to go to spain. apparently, having to prepare for moving to another country means having a lot of butterflies, whereas going to vermont produces very few. i mean, hey, if you can go to another country, another state should be a breeze!

i just got two e-mails from the college--1) fill out certain 'pre-departure forms' and 2) the miami consulate may or may not process my visa application, so i may have to go somewhere else. yikes! it's just a hassle that i don't want to deal with.

pressing on.

countdown

so the countdown to my last working day is in 2 weeks--that's one more day of this week, five days of exams next week & three days of post-planning the week of memorial day. thankfully i have memorial day off. then, i have to pack up my stuff, clean my house & move things to get ready to go to vermont in july. it's becoming more and more of a reality that i'm leaving for the summer, though the big move in september hasn't hit yet. i guess one thing at a time. a week later, i've just gotten used to the fact that i no longer have class at asu on tues & thurs nights. yup, the exam's over, the grades are in, and i'm not a professor anymore...at least for the time being.

i went to visit some family in florida over the weekend--my grandparents, aunt & family. i haven't seen so many brown people since i went to honduras last summer. ;) it was great to see them and even better to eat such gooooood food! :D yeah, we all know how paulo likes goooood food. i got some good pics, which i'll post on my flickr site (when i have a minute). another good thing about visiting family on both sides now is that i've taken my place amongst the tribe. though i'm the oldest grandson/cousin on both sides, i haven't been seen as a kid in several years. one good thing about visiting my cousins in florida is that since they're younger, they now know me and have more memories of me. i'm trying to establish bonds that will still be there after the older generations have passed.

i'm looking towards the future, but keeping track of my steps.

choose an identity

i really must applaud blogger for their superhero skills. when you go to leave a comment on someone's blog, you must 'choose an identity', like you're suiting up with the x-men or joining the justice league or something. i guess i still have superheroes & saturday morning cartoons on the brain since i saw thundercats season one on dvd. sweet stuff.

'come with me if you want to live.' (thanks to the casper movie that came out, like, 10 years ago)

honestly!

so, i caught myself saying a phrase i NEVER thought i'd hear come out of my mouth: look how young! no, not while looking in the mirror. each time i come onto campus for class--yes, to teach these young faces--i've found myself aging ever so much more. i mean, i'm not, you know, old or anything--barely in the mid-20's. so what's the problem here? i guess it's because i have responsibility for those younger than me. or maybe it's this whole doctorate thing; i have to act mature because i'm going to be a doctor. well, one of the reasons i'm looking forward to going back to school is so i won't have so much responsibility! i'll be able to stay up all hours of the night. i'll be able to take naps or strolls in the parks in the afternoon or catch a coffee with some friends mid-morning. maybe that's what attracts me to academia. though it's hard work, there's time to enjoy life, too.

i guess i've gotten so caught up in being mature, i've forgotten what it's like to be young! help me stay young, my friends!

walking tall

i feel extra tall when i can't really my legs. i feel elongated, or almost like i'm floating. and i don't really know how i get from one step to the other. with my legs covered, it's curious that i have an intellectual knowledge of being upright, but i need the visual or tactile proof that i am. i'm conscious about the way i walk--it can be anything from a limp to throwing a leg in front to waddling to something off a runway. but all in all, they're my legs; it's my walk. life goes on, as must i.

thundercats! ho-o-o!

some friends lent me the thundercats season 1 dvd!! i am all about reliving of the childhood! ;) of course, i'm barely out of my own, but still, it's nice to have a bit of randomness childhood-ness. i'm not going to say silliness because the thundercats tackle elements like justice, friendship, and good vs. evil. and, mummra is actually pretty scary. i can't believe i didn't have nightmares as a kid. but anyways, school's back in session from spring break, and it was wonderful doing a whole lot of nothing besides waking up late, watching movies, and enjoying the sunshine. ah, just 6 more weeks of school, and it's summertime!

as an update to my last post, i've been off of one medication for about 3 weeks now or so, and i've had little nerve pain, but a bit more noticeable joint pain. interesting how that works out. but, i've been functioning well. my body tends to do better anyhow in the warmer months. even though it's still several months away, i wonder how my body will respond to moving to spain and being in school again. well, i guess after working 50 hour weeks, just having a couple classes a day will be a breeze! ;)

my leg hurts

i don't what it is, but my leg has been hurting more over the past five days or so. sunday evening, i could hardly stand on it. sometimes, i don't like the fact that i appear so different, and then there are other times when i proudly display it. i think i'm somewhere in between right now. at least i can manage a limp all right. and i'm used to pain by now.

someone on campus intereviewed me about my experiences studying abroad and during the course of that, i mentioned that i became ill and moved back to the states. a few days later, she sent me an e-mail asking if i could expand on my illness. i tell ya, it took me a solid week to respond because when i started writing, it reminded me of how ill and compromised i really was. i forget about that most days. it was kind of scary to dig up those things and to think of what i went through at such a young age.

but, aside from the lows, i can see how God sustained me and has brought me through according to his glorious plan to be where he wants me to be. it's been an amazing journey, which is something i try to focus on more than my weakness. :)

swimming in the swamp

my grandmother used to tell us of the swamps that were by her house, and one day in particular she told us that her grandmother told her that one day, some kids were playing at the edge of the swamp. their ball entered just beyond the entrance of the swamp, and they looked at each other wondering if they dared go in or not. one boy, the oldest, went in after it, and soon after that he started shouting and screaming for the others to help him. when they did rush in, they found him laughing next to a cyprus tree, his feet dangling in the water enjoying the coolness. when the other boys saw how their leader was all right, they all jumped in, but after a few minutes, they felt very sluggish and their feet kept getting caught in vines and branches. soon every one of them got too tired to fight any more and they all drowned. years later, the village people said that you could hear some of their voices at night, crying out for help.

well, even though i made that all up, i know it's been a month since i last blogged--that's right, just before my b-day, which was spectacular!! it's great to have a week-long b-day, no? i've just been swamped after that. it's crazy! but in a week, i start my spring break, and i'm really looking forward to that! but for now, i must away to class. i'll post again soon.

happy pre-day

it's the annual birthday review! in the past year, i've:
-started a blog
-reconnected with friends via facebook
-took a summer off and got paid for it!
-went to honduras & had a great time
-started my second year of teaching
-started going to a new church
-moved out on my own
-have had to use my crutches less & less

as you see, there are a lot of new starts, and i'm glad for that. it's kind of weird to look back at my life and see how i've changed since college. i saw my undergrad id the other day as i was cleaning, and it took me back to all the hopes & dreams, the wide-eyed innocence and that hot friday when i locked my keys in my car the day of freshmen orientation. :)

a lot has happened in the years since that august friday, and sometimes i try to hide those changes so much that it hurts. i mean really hurts. but all in all, i rest in the fact that i'm not doing life alone & that God is in control. i just look for the times when i can be used as his instrument.

in other news, and a happy pre-day gift is that shaun came back to school today looking rested and relieved!! thanks to all who prayed for him (and me) this past week. please keep praying for us both as the school year draws to a close. 12 more weeks!

i'm looking forward to chocolate cake over the next four days! happy b-day to me!

if i were a doctor

i feel like i just killed a patient. one of my students has recently been talking with me about his life and how he's trying to get things together for the beginning of his senior year this fall. he's told me he's had a lot of stress in his life, but what 16 year old guy doesn't? school, girls, family. but still, his seemed a little more than anyone else's.

he was in my classroom talking almost for an hour nonstop, and i felt like i was connecting with him, trying to mentor him. on monday afternoon, he was in the assistant principal's office just talking about his day when he had a psychotic episode, and it was bad. they had to call the ambulance, and he was taken to the hospital, but only after a couple of hours of trying to stabilize his blood pressure.

i pray he didn't take any drugs and that he doesn't have any mental illness. i don't know when i'll see shaun again, but i don't think it'll be any time soon. i feel like i lost one, like my patient died on the table, and i don't know why it was him or why now or why i feel so sad for him.

gosh!

i finished my french exam in an hour, had the phone interview (i got to call canada; how fun!), and am awaiting official paper accepting me into the program. now i have to do my taxes, apply for financial aid, and get ready for my birthday. i tell you, during the month of january as we've been talking about 'simplify', it seems my life has only gotten more hectic. when will the madness stop?! but, i did do well on my exam, so i'm happy.

besides, there's a professor liger in the office next to mine on campus, so that makes me smile. though it is a shared office...and no, not with professor tigon.

please, grow up.

well, i'm trying

i finished up my essays for the french exam and when i go to take it, i'm about 10 questions in when internet explorer just shuts down for no reason! now i have to wait and have the exam reset so i can take it again just as spots are filling up for the program! well, i'm frustrated, but more confident because the first few questions i answered were things i had just taught my students last week. :) so that's a good feeling.

just tell that to the pit in my stomach.

continuously continuing to continue

'who among you, if your son asks for bread would give him a scone?' this spiritually enlightening question brought to you by my brother who views english pastry worthy of insertion into the holy scriptures.

i'm working on two essays in preparation to take the entrance exam for the french school at middlebury college. it's a bit rough--not the actual essay-writing process, but the fact that this half determines my fate for next year. yes, i haven't written an essay in two years, but surely it's like riding a bike. and i've enjoyed getting back into it, actually, the nerd that i am. but i just have so much else to do for my jobs including making lesson plans and quizzes, then grading them, plus meetings and extra classes all balanced around my relationship with God and the church.

i promise, i'm trying to simplify! it's just that i feel like (my cousin) vinny waiting to see what else i need to put on top of my pile.

who knew i could reference brittish pastry, education, and a movie allusion all in one post? they gotta let me in for that!

choices

why does it seem that choices have to be so final? it seems to me that every choice i make has an eternal consequence: if i don't go grocery shopping today, i won't have milk for my cereal tomorrow; if i choose to live here, then i must live in said place for the rest of my life; if i have a routine, then i must stick to that routine because that's what grown-ups do--they stick to routines, they make choices, and they live with the results of those choices for the REST of their lives.

i've got the gypsy spirit moving again, and i feel restless because i'm planning on another big move. it's kind of hard to believe that i've been here, settled, for three years now already. with so many others around me settling down into the newness of life--marriage, jobs, kids--i feel left out at times because i have none of those things. in fact, i'm about to leave everything behind and chase a dream. and it's that choice that has me feeling like i'm leaving everything behind forever, and i may have lost my chance at those things.

i read things about people my age traveling around the world or writing books or going on roadtrips, and that appeals to me so much, but i know there's a choice to be made, which involves the big green: $$$. what's the tradeoff between being where i am and being content wherever i am, knowing i have to live with that choice?

i tell ya

if you want good birth control, be a teacher. i say that half in jest because i only have these kids one hour a day. what would i do if i had to LIVE with them? this makes me wonder what i was like as a teenager and going through all the drama that is high school. how much drama did i have? then i think about how much drama i have in my life now--what do i have to study tonight in preparation for tomorrow, what am i going to do this weekend and with whom? hmm, maybe it's not so different.

i blew up at a class today because i was frustrated that my bright students--they really are great--weren't paying attention; instead they were talking about something else that wasn't about the lesson. at times like these, i wonder if i get upset truly because they are not paying attention to the lesson or if they're not paying attention to ME.

i realize that education can make someone egocentric. but just think about it: 25-30 people are supposed to sit at my feet and hang on my every word in order to gain knowledge that will deepen their understanding of the world around them which contributes to their being better citizens, which will, therefore, cause them to work for the good of all mankind. it all starts with ME!

i tell ya, i'm tired. and 'ugly betty' is about to come on.

at home

even as i start this post, i'm listening to air1.com & they're playing the song 'drifter' by DecembeRadio. the chorus talks about drifting away and making his way back home to God.

we use this phrase a lot: make yourself at home, i'm going home, i feel at home here. i've been thinking about where i feel 'at home' as i've been in my own apartment for a few months and spend time with my parents on the weekends. last night, for example, i had dinner and watched a movie with them. so many times before, i would have just gone to my bedroom to go to bed. but last night, it dawned on me, probably really set in for the first time, that i don't live there anymore. my bedroom is not at their house anymore, and every time i go over there, the door is shut. of course, it's practical so as to keep the heat in the center of the house.

i've been thinking about where to call my home lately. and i don't know what God has in store for me. it's possible i could be anywhere next year; for now, it seems like i'll be in madrid, spain. but after we closed the seris on 'go' at church, something inside me has been stirring all the more. last night, i had a dream that i was about to go on a trip overseas, and i had to pack, but i couldn't find my passport. i always have this dream before i go on a trip, but i'm not planning on travelling internationally until next year. why would i have that dream the night before the church is made aware of specific ways to get involved in missions?

i like to think that i'm an easy-going guy--that i feel comfortable in most any place. but i really feel 'at home' overseas. whenever i've stepped off the plane in the madrid airport, i feel like i've come home. when i went to honduras this summer, i felt 'at home'. i feel just as 'at home' talking spanish as i do english. is this the start of something new? am i on the trek to a whole new direction in my life? steve mentioned that sometimes we don't act on what we would love to do, maybe even something prompted by the Spirit, because we don't have all the details worked out. well, maybe this is one of those things. i don't have any details worked out, but i'm praying about going to find my home.

crash

no, not the dmb song, but i feel like i have a lot of stuff crashing down on me. if one were to take a step back and actually look at it, it probably wouldn't seem like that much, but to me, it seems like a lot. oh, i'll get it done, but i don't have a good attitude about it. more like a dreading sense of drudgery and general apathy but i'll end up grudgingly doing it. i know, this is no attitude to have, and i should work to the best of my ability.

but i'm going on vacation on saturday to visit my bro & fam in arkansas, and i'm super-excited!!! yay for vacation!!!

see, that made my night better. :D

life-changing

this morning, a video of my testimony about my illness and the past three years was shown at church. because i lived through these things over a period of time, it seems so shocking to think back about what happened and to actually see and hear me talk about it candidly onscreen. i prayed it would be something that would lift up God, and i was humbled that steve said that my story reminded us that we don't have to face our giants alone; our church family and our Father are there with us no matter what. after the service, i got a lot of hugs, and i met a lot more people. at first, i was nervous at this baring of my soul. in the past six months or so, i've just lived my life as a part of truenorth; i don't think i had every really sat down and told anyone my story. i was pleased at how the video turned out, and i pray that God uses me how he needs me. i realize that we all have a story to share about the giants we face. and how we overcome them is how our lives are changed.

mirror, mirror

i've been reflecting on my life lately, and i've been pondering where i have been and where i'm going. where was i and where will i be? it's such a confusing thing to have to do through at any age, time, situation. but why me? why have i felt the need to feel especially reflexive. (no, it's not because i'm teaching reflexive verbs in spanish class--in case you were wondering.)

part of it is really establishing myself on my own two feet, which has been such a terrific experience these past few months! of course, there's the rent, but that means that i have a little stake in the american dream. i have two floors of wall-to-wall carpet, electricity, heat & a/c, a refrigerator full of food (note to self: get milk), and i have been blessed with the job to pay for it. when i was in honduras, i saw entire families living in two rooms without electricity or indoor plumbing and glad to have concrete floors put in. no, not to replace the old one, but to cover the dirt floor they had.

from inside my american bubble, i'm looking at going back out into the world that almost killed me three years ago. as i continue with residual weakness, i still wonder what it's going to be like once again. well, it's been three months on my own and no catastrophes, so that's a plus. ;) besides, the key is, as my parents always taught me, is to connect to a church. i have been blessed to be raised in the church and to have the peace of the Holy Spirit guiding me. it really is a peace that passes all understanding! i revel in that peace no matter what goes on around me or how i feel or standing in front of my own insufficiencies. and boy, i tell you, those insufficiencies can mount up and up until you can't see over the top of them. but God's love shines through them and the power of Jesus' blood broke through those bonds. he carries us in his arms, and though he doesn't promise as gentle ride as lexus, he still gives me the peace and the strength i need for today.

tomorrow has enough trouble of its own.

recently

let's play the recently game:
-i went to facedown at tnc & had a blast worshiping & taking communion
-i went to atlanta to visit with a friend from school who was just through for the day
-after having a week to reflect on facedown and its impact, i wrote some
-printed out the papers to apply to my doctoral program
-not yet sent them in (even though they're almost finished, it just seems so final!)
-thought i was having a stroke, but really didn't (the most expensive migraine i've ever had!)
-finding new ways to be creative in my classes
-trying not to get bogged down in the mundane, but taking time to celebrate God's glorious creation and gifts

that's all for now. thanks for playing.

awesomness

today was the day o'awesomeness for two reasons: 1) a student in my french class at the high school told me today that in preparation for reciting a memorized poem for my class, his mom surprised him by signing him up for an open mic night reading unbeknownst to him. i told him i had to meet his mom! 2) i gave an exam tonight in my college spanish class & they had all passed out green pens before i arrived, so they wrote their exams in green ink. at first, i just thought someone only had a green pen--no black nor blue--but then i saw another exam come in with green ink, then looked up and saw everyone using green pens! of course, it's not that hard to find out that i like green since my big ol' bag is green & the dry erase marker i use every class is green. i just thought that was too cool that they did that.

o happy day.

creativity

i've had a burst of creative energy lately, and i don't quite know how i can make the most of it. i've written a few things--or at least tried to when the iron was hot--but my creative energy has come lately in the form of seeing things artistically. now, i'm no ansel adams, but i like to take some fotographs, but the times that i've wanted to snap a photo, i haven't had my camera with me. perhaps i need to either invest in a camera phone or carry my camera with me always. ok, maybe i need to take my camera and a small notebook with me so i can snap a photo or write a poem as i need. or i could get one of those camera phones with a voice recorder so i can record my creative thoughts, then transpose them later.

ok, who's got a camera phone?

looking back

i came to asu tonight to work--you know, grown up things like research and write papers and look at ways i can get published. but now, i'm working in the library as an instructor, and i'm sitting in the very spot i used to sit at when i was a student here. it's kind of weird looking at the young faces around me, knowing i was once one of them. how many more have passed before me, and how many more will pass after me, into my classroom, or just generally on campus?

in my brokenness complete

'here i am at your feet, in my brokenness complete'

that was the last chorus that we sang this morning at tnc. it really touched me especially because after two weeks of having difficulty walking, was i was able to stand during the worship service. it was also especially moving because i played ultimate frisbee for the first time in over 3 years yesterday!! in gearing up for a series on facing the giants next week at church, i just faced one yesterday. i played with some new friends--i'm sure God put them in my life--for about 3 hours. this is extreme rejoicing in my family!

three years ago, i said goodbye to regular use of my legs. in 2004, i was in a wheelchair with limited use of my arms as well, in addition to times of altered speech (which persist). in 2005, i was walking pretty steadily on crutches (either 1 or 2). now in the fall of 2006, i'm walking pretty well, sometimes with a limp, sometimes getting a little tired, but what i have learned through all this is that though i may not be able to play ultimate frisbee again, for those hours, i was soaring on wings like eagles!!

i cannot adequately describe here the sheer exhiliration i felt at running, huffing & puffing, and ducking to grab the frisbee. it was something i grieved, something that set me apart from others, and just last week, i was feeling down because i couldn't fit in with other guys my age. because of my illness, i don't fit the typical 25 yr old guy idea, and that had been bothering me. in being a part of a church that encourages us all to be an integral part of the church body, which something i deeply believe in as well, i didn't know what i could offer. i realized just this morning during that last chorus that all i have to give is the life Christ gave to me (thanks to third day's song 'offering').

here i am at your feet, in my brokenness complete.

investing

they're always telling us to invest--ira's, stocks, bonds; invest in people, invest in the future of your children; invest your time. what is our return? now, i'm looking at taking the next step in my education, and in looking back at where i've been, i'm looking at what i've invested and what more i have to invest. how will the amount i invest in certain things change over the years as i mature, continue in my career, invest in a family? how will my life change with each of these steps? how has it changed already?

in the eyes of my youth (and probably those of my students), my life seems like it's been so long already, and in looking towards the end of it all, it seems even longer! it's sobering to think of my life as having the potential of being so long. so many places to see or left unseen, so many stories to tell or hear, so many lives to touch and to be touched by.

i guess becoming an uncle makes one introspective. ;)

realization

wednesday night i was a journey team, and we were telling our stories. it came to be my turn, and i said it had been three years since i'd been ill. as i sat there recounting my story, it really hit me how long it has actually been. in the smally scheme of things, three years is nothing. i was in high school for four years, in college another three, and it took me two to do grad school. i was a teenager for, what, nine years. so why is this *three* so significant to me?

it's probably because of how great a turn my life took. not being able to move your body for extended periods of time will do that you. being in and out of a wheelchair for a year and a half or so will do that to you. not being able to hear your own voice at certain times will do that to you. walking fine one day, then not being able to at all this weekend can have an effect on you. i still struggle with the question 'why?', but it doesn't matter to me as much as it has to those around me. i've gotten better at being on my own two feet, and i'm very proud of that and thankful that God has given me the strength to be independent. i have a great job, and i'm active my church, which has accepted me so openly partly because they don't really know me any other way.

but, why does a feeling of insignificance still crop up despite all i've been able to do these past three years? at times i believe i'm living a full life. other times, i feel like i'm still trying to reclaim what i lost. how much did i lose? i think i lost pride in my own abilities, and i've gained a new sense in relying on God. i have to rely on Him in order to get out of bed in the morning, to make my breakfast, to not fall down. i have to rely on him to give me the words to say.

i'm extremely thankful to everyone who has had an impact in my life over the past three years, and i truly cherish our relationships. thank you for your strength, which reflects our Father's.

identity

so, you can see that i've been dealing with my identity from reading the past few posts. (actually, it's been almost three years.) i'm a Christ-follower, a teacher, a friend, a brother, a son, a writer, a singer, a disabled person. i know God made me in his image. i revel in the fact that i am loved by my Father and that he has put me exactly where i need to be in order for his purpose, and i'm excited at discovering more about what it is! i wonder how i can reconcile all that i am as a witness.

anonymity

i can't hide in anonymity any longer. by the fact that i grew up in augusta, i can always run in to people i knew from back in the day. the fact i'm a teacher makes me recognizable to my students when i'm out on the town. that became ever so clear this past weekend as i was at first friday, and several of my students came up to me to say hi. then i have my disorder, which causes me to walk a little differently than others, so i can't really blend into the crowd. besides, i'm tall and have a dark beard, so that sets me apart from the fair-skinned blondes prevalent here.

even though i can be spotted from fifty paces by an acquaintance, i am dear to God. he knows my name, he knows what i'm feeling. he knows when i'm not feeling well or when i need help, and it's at those precise moments that he sends someone my way who may not realize the part they play in my life.

you're not anonymous; God knows your name.

emociones

the following is part of a lyric by a spanish group called jarabe de palo. the song is called "emociones" ("emotions"), and it pretty much sums up what i'm feeling now.

emociones convertidas en canciones en miradas en / temores en olores que se escapan /emociones que decoran donde se esconden encerradas en / prisiones con muy poca vigilancia. / emoción por despertar las emociones / por revelar las emociones / que recorren mi cabeza.

basically it's talking about all the emotions that are going on inside the singer's head, and he can't quite get them out, but not for lack of trying; it's just there are so many in there, it's almost like they're imprisioned.

i've been feeling swept up in a lot of emotions lately--excitement being the biggest, but also some fear, some lonelieness, happiness, uncertainty, and desire. i think about gavin degraw's song "i don't want to be", and at times i feel like i can take that as my manifesto & just be me. then there are other times when i get to comparing myself to others, and i find myself somehow missing some crucial thing that they have which would make me a better person.

ah, if only i could repress the desire for comparisions that thwart my individuality.

wake up and smell the coffee

i know it's been just over a month since i last posted. this past month has been a roller coaster ride of new things, and i'm glad to have experienced them. in this past month, i started a relationship with a girl whom i think is wonderful and she thinks i'm wonderful, too! (we won't tell her that i'm really not, but just let her keep thinking that i am.) and that's wonderful, too--that she sees my faults, knows i'm not perfect, is discovering my weaknesses, and decides/pursues/desires/chooses me! it blows me away.

a new school year has started, and i had to prepare for that as a teacher. i have the bulletin board set up, the monthly calendar, and my students are settled into a good routine with learning. overall, it seems quite calm now. however, at the beginning of the year, everyone is feeling out the system, so we'll see. i hope to maintain a good learning atmosphere for my students at the high school. my class at the uni started this week, and my students are very receptive and laugh at my jokes, so that's a good thing. ;)

during my blog hiatus, i've also moved into a place of my own, thus taking a giant step in making it on my own two feet. it's a two story townhouse very centrally located, and i'm getting used to it. i haven't lived in a two story house in 20 years (no, seriously, it's been 20 years), so i'm adjusting. i like waking up in my own house and making my own coffee in my own kitchen in my underwear. (just had to throw that in. sorry for any scarring from that mental image.)

most importantly, i've learned more about myself and how to prioritize what i have to do. no one else is helping me now; it's all on my shoulders, so if i drop the ball, the ball stays dropped until i'm able to pick it up again. my family rejoices with me that i am recovered enough to make this move, but i'm still reminded of how i need to rely on God's strength for every movement. i take refuge in the verse that says that when i am weak, He is strong. indeed, when i am weak, i feel like i am more able to receive God's word, to listen to his guiding, to revel in his love and glory.

something steve said this past sunday, "God delights in me," really struck a chord. God delights in me. he knows my faults and my weaknesses, and he created my strengths. that just makes me a little happier! :D

grace & peace.

thanksgiving

thanksgiving came early this year. i went to atlanta yesterday, and spent practically the whole day in and out of restaurants. i started a new relationship. i spent two hours in borders reading poetry. i heard a girl whisper poetry to herself; i thought i was the only one that did that. and, yes, we spent a good bit of time eating.

we went to see rob bell of nooma.com talk about the creation and how everything that God created relates to everything else. everything is connected. everything is spiritual. he spoke two hours straight and used up the entire space of a white board about 20 ft long. his energy was electrifying and spontaneous, yet he spoke with such authority! he even talked about the space-time contiuum, which i had used as an example for teaching verb tenses. i think we could be friends.

how do we mark new beginnings? with muffin tops from atlanta bread company or coffee cups or certain robes. a friend said that Jesus should be a major occurrence, not a minor disturbance. how do i mark a new beginning? how have i shown that i have had a major encounter with Jesus Christ?

butterflies

new things are happening in my life and in the lives of those close to me. church is fantastic. i've developping new & deeper friendships, i looked at a flat today, and i get to spend all day tomorrow with a pretty girl and see rob bell from nooma.com speak. i've actually got butterflies.

rent

i was listening to the rent soundtrack tonight, and two songs hit me, just like every time i listen to them. i hold onto these songs because i feel like i'm just 'renting' this body. they're short songs, so i'll include them here below.

i find some of what you teach suspect because i rely on intellect, but i try to open up to what i don't know because reason says i should have died three years ago. there's only us, there's only this. forget regret, your life is yours to lose. no other road, no other way. no day but today.

will i lose my dignity? will someone care? will i wake tomorrow from this nightmare?

***

things are happening

Be glad for all God is planning for you. Be patient in trouble, and always be prayerful. Romans 12:12 NLT

i've been hearing other people talk about life changes in addition to what's going on at church, and i thought this verse from radio station air1.com really fits. how are we finding our way in the midst of all these changes? kevin wrote a post about change being the only constant, and i can totally relate to that. to close with a quote from that wonderful movie lone star state of mind, baby says 'if you're not living, you're dying.'

living sacrifices

Romans 12: 1: Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship. (emphasis added)

by having a neuromuscular disorder that causes muscle weakness and difficulties with balance and gait, i struggle with how i can fit into society--secular and christian--as an independent and potent man who can take care of himself. but on the ride home from journey team tonight, Romans 12:1 hit me: i should offer my body as a living sacrifice, which is my spiritual act of worship. if i offer my body to God, weak legs and all, then i am worshipping him! a sacrifice is something that was offered once--burnt on the altar to God. the fact that we are LIVING sacrifices means that the fire continues to consume us, purifying us to be more like God as we are made in his image. our spiritual act of worship takes away all trappings of our physical nature. as i heard once, we are not physical beings having a spiritual experience, rather spiritual beings having a physical experience. what matters to God is my heart and my spirit coinciding with his will. man looks at my crutches, but God looks at my heart.

i got to thinking about how i interact with others, or what i do in order to show others Jesus living in me. i was doing just fine earlier today and was able to accomplish things i wanted to do. but as it drew nearer to the time to go to Bible study, i was feeling weak. there's a spiritual war going on around me, and i can feel that the more intensely i want to be with other christians, the the weaker i feel.

Lord, i offer my body to you as you made me and with the weaknesses you permit me to have. i thank you for the community i have that supports me and spurs me on to worshipping you! you are all-powerful, and i worship you for your great rule over the universe, but the fact that you care about knowing me intimately blows me away. you are holy, and i want to be wholly yours.

rediscovery

i recently e-mailed a girl i hadn't talked to in about a year. we have a long history together, and it's a new beginning/continuation of our friendship. she's been extremely patient with me as i've grown into who i am right now. since i've been on vacation, i've been doing a whole lot of nothing. just reading, reflecting, listening to music and hanging out with friends. as you can see, it's been a whole month of r&r--very deserved for a teacher. :)

but in my community groups, i keep hearing the phrase 'know your heart', and i've been thinking about how i project myself and how others perceive me. how real have i been lately? i've been thinking about that as i went through some of my writings from over the past five years--things written in joyous times and times when i've been at the end of my rope. in reading about those dark times, they're such distant memories, almost like another person wrote those things. it's like i don't know that person anymore.

am i still that person, have i tried to hide that person, or have i understood the changing power of God's grace? these are questions i've been pondering.

grace and peace.

back to my roots

last week someone challenged me to start writing again. he's not the first one that has suggested i write as a type of catharsis. as a matter of fact, he's one of several over the past couple of years, but the most recent that really made me think. i've been journaling throughout my illness, and i've written a few poems here and there, but i have purposely not written anything creative in the past nine months or so for two reasons: 1) i've been mentally exhausted after teaching all day and 2) i haven't wanted to creatively discover what might have been hidden so deep. blogging and journaling seemed to be a safer route to catharsis than the truth of poetry.

since last week, i've read through some of my work from the past five years, and i've tried to look at the world around me through a poet's eyes like i used to. i wrote so many essays in grad school that i think my poetry skills have become a little rusty. especially word placement, not so much diction because my diction has always been frank; well, i dance around the issue a little, like in real life. not like that of my poet friend michelle. she was my comrade during our years in undergrad. absolutely astounding how she manipulated the english language.

but i did write a short something about my glasses sitting on my desk. :) and i unearthed the novel i started five years ago. i guess i'm a writer again.

***
ps: please note "apart" is the act of being separate from something. i know you mean "a part".

vulnerability

probably one of the greatest books on vulnerability i've read is His Brother's Keeper by jonathan weiner. it's about stephen who has lou gherig's disease (amyotrophic lateral sclerosis or als) and his brother jamie who takes his every passion and puts it into developing a foundation that will raise money for research of a cure for als. his goal is to cure als, and weiner does an excellent job at describing the scientific and economic venture that ensues, but he mixes it with jamie's personal goal: saving stephen.

a passage i'd like to share comes from weiner's own interaction with stephen:
It was painful to watch him strain. I wanted to turn polietely away, but if I did then I could not understand what he said. I had to keep my eyes locked on his and watch him carefully. This forced me to face what he was facing and hear what he was saying, and he was putting all he had into saying it. [. . .]
Stephen was as sensitive and observant as ever, concerned about everyone around him. He often thought his disease was harder on others than it was on himself. (p 345)

weiner continues on p 346: His illness was a normal accident, and he refuesed to mythologize it.

i do not have als. i do not have a life-threatening disease. my muscles are not wasting away. though i do not know what my illness is, it's fairly certain i will not die from it. i have learned to live with the uncertainty of it as well as living with a level of vulnerability. i have tried to hide my vulnerability as much as possible lately. however, i was paralyzed at community group last night, and it was extremely awkward for me. perhaps i needed a reminder that i am not in control. what has been more painful for me from the beginning has been watching those around me feel so helpless. i like the part about stephen's illness being 'a normal accident'. in learning to live with my 'new' body, have i reduced the entire mystery of my illness to a simple brush-off, thereby actually making others helpless when they ask me if i need anything when i am physically vulnerable?

in my head

i woke up early this morning with a searing headache, was able to get back to sleep, and later awoke again with this phrase of a song in my head. i'm not sure if it's an original song or if it is something that I heard yesterday but here is the phrase: Holy holy Lord God Almighty / Be still, behold your God.

it's probably a composite of two other songs i've heard in the past couple of days. perhaps this is an incentive for me to start writing again. wherever this phrase came from, it's a strong reminder for me to be still and behold the Lord as the central focus of my day.

*this post was written with Dragon NaturallySpeaking voice-to-text software.

on my own two feet

so i'm in the middle of a very important decision, which is a process that has been going on since last october--moving. yikes! since i came back to augusta from spain, i've been up to middlebury, vermont, twice to finish my studies while living in the dorm there; i started two new jobs; and i researched buying a house. but now i'm looking at renting an apartment--something i haven't done in two & a half years. it's so weird how i found a flat in 4 days (with my roomie, of course) in madrid, and here i am agonizing about a flat that's PERFECT (except for the brown carpet) in the very area i grew up in. now it feels like i'm hesitating to have the one thing i lost: complete independence. it's a beautiful feeling to have options, but sometimes the options can be scary.

i looked at the flat for the first time on friday, and i'm looking at it again tomorrow. i'm going to take some pics and measurements, and who knows? i may even sign a lease. not too bad. my life has been a great big lesson on patience and looking for the will of God. i truly pray that i can use my new place for God's glory, since it's He who has given me this blessing.

madrid

while tony bennett may have left his heart in san francisco, i left my legs in madrid, spain. that's where i got ill. that's where i was just starting out in life. that's where i had been the happiest so far. that's been the changing point of the entire direction of my life. and now that my friends over there at middlebury in madrid have finished their year, i sit here thinking about my own experiences 2 1/2 years ago when i was over there, and it seems like just last year.

i'm also at the end of my first year of teaching after earning my master's from middlebury. it's very different being on the other side of the desk, but i'm looking forward to continuing my education. i'm looking at middlebury again so i can get some closure in living in madrid. i want to go back to madrid in order to sort of reclaim my legs.

in the meantime, i'm excited about the opportunities i have here! i'll make it over there, don't worry.

mythical numbers

i just heard a news blurb about a $70 billion spending bill. it seems so strange to say that it's almost like bilbo welcoming everyone to his 'eleventy-first birthday'. they even kind of sound alike.

simple things amuse me.

ΘΕΑΤΡΟΝ

i've been thinking about this word this past week as i wasn't doing too well. i've been thinking about being a spectacle and not wanting to stand out as totally different. this led me to think about a theatre group i once saw in high school called "theatron"--the word is anglicized from the greek θέατρον, which means something to be seen/watched/contemplated/observed in addition to the place where the action to be seen takes place. this is the origin for our word 'theatre'.

i think about my part in this huge cast of humans on earth, and i wonder if i really do stick out as much as i think, or if i'm just one more person on the stage of the world or as part of the song 'reasons why' by nickel creek says: 'And standing on a darkened stage / Stumbling through the lines'. i think about walking with a heavy limp, a crutch, having to manually position my legs while sitting, and talking differently. and then i think of how Jesus was made a spectacle on the cross. they beat him, didn't believe him, cursed him, and killed him.

i just get funny looks.


***
for more information on the origin of theatre:
"The term “theatre” which we currently designate as the literary genre as well as the physical space where it takes place comes from the Greek word θέατρον (theatron), which came to mean “place where you look” or “what you see”, so it is a noun created from the verb θέομαι (to see, look, contemplate, observe). So, what was in the beginning “the place” where one saw something, the θέατρον (what you see) also came to be “the group of spectactors” and, even more so, came to refer to the literary genre based on the representation where the spectators contemplated something (the θέατρον) which is what is contemplated (the θέατρον) in a space ready for such contemplation (θέατρον)" (-from http://club2.telepolis.com/mandragora1/ [originally in Spanish]).

doing battle

it seems like so many around me have been touched by illness or personal catastrophe recently. please keep those that you know in prayer and pray for the strength and healing of God's body here on earth. pray that it may be a powerful witness to those that are lost.

trial run

so, i've been house-sitting this week. not too bad. had to call in sick to work on tuesday because i was paralyzed, but overall it's been good to see that i can make it on my own two feet. that's a good thing.

**

mainstream God

i was in express men today looking at the t-shirts, and i noticed that though they were marketing a sort of artistic element for today's modern man, the slogans were fit for battle: strength in valor, not in arms; fight for justice and respect all mankind; valor is paramount, etc. these t-shirts struck me because you could see them as just an ordinary t-shirt, and think, 'cool, it's from express'. but it reenforces God's intent for man to seek him and to be strong and courageous, as we are made in his image.

i also thought of the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe, which i saw last weekend (apropos for good friday, no?), and i've been pondering two things: 1) how aslan decided to take edmund's place as a sacrifice, and 2) how peter developped into a leader. sure, he was the big brother looking out for his younger siblings, but he trusted in the power of aslan as true leader and redeemer of narnia. i need to watch that movie again and re-read the books (it's been about 15 years or so) to see the parallel of aslan to the Lion of Judah and his redeeming power.

i bought a necklace at the third day concert i went to two or three weeks ago, and it has the brittish lion logo on it. it reminds me of the power of the Lion of Judah and how he lives in my heart, saves me from my sins, and fights for the souls of the lost. it has made the Savior of the world more alive to me, especially this week after easter, and i feel more empowered. Jesus protects me and fights for me, yet--to draw the parallel back to narnia--he gives me the choice to follow him and to fight for what i, too, believe in.

sometimes following means not knowing where you're going...

new beginning

note: i posted this as a comment on another blog, and i liked it so much, i thought i should post it here, too.

in looking towards easter, i've been focusing more on what it means to be a christian & to follow Christ. for the first time ever, i've been concentrating on lent as a time of spiritual preparation for the celebration of easter. not because a religious leader told me to, nor to deny myself something, but to mentally & to spiritually examine how i've been living my life for him. it's been an enlightening 40 days.

ch-ch-changing

i just found out that good friends of mine who are serving as missionaries in spain are pregnant, april is finishing her master's over there, and then they are moving back to madrid next march! my brother was just here this week, and he & his wife are expecting their baby in early october, around the same time as my friends kelly & april. i'm one step closer to getting the job of teaching at georgia's governor's honors program this summer, and transitioning to teaching a french class this fall, too. on top of all that, i'm seriously contemplating placing membership at a new church, and i'm looking forward to more opportunities that can come from that.

i'm enjoying my place right now, and the changes are welcome. it's about 6 more weeks until the end of school, and it's been a good year for me to be on my own two feet in a certain sense. my twenties have been tumultuous so far, but, all in all, it's been a good ride.

i'm looking forward to going back to madrid in a couple of years, Lord willing, but in the meantime, i'm excited about more changes. i'm getting butterflies in my stomach now just thinking about them, but i wonder what else is in store.

la vie passe

voila une phrase que j'ai entendu d'une chanson de "le roi soleil": "la vie passe, et je voudrais la passer avec toi."

ce n'est pas belle cette phrase? le video est absolument incroyable; il me semble un theatre musical base sur la vie du roi soleil, evidemment. j'ai entendu que c'etait un theatre vraiement tres, tres bien fait. j'ai vu ce video-ci, et je voulais rappeler cette phrase.

**

prayer

i attended services at a different church this past sunday where the preacher spoke about prayer and if prayer really works. it was eye-opening to me because he said that prayer was 'communication with God', not merely talking to him. by defining prayer as communication with him, that implies a give-and-take relationship. it opened my eyes to the fact that i've been trying to listen more to God without really giving him something to go on, ie my talking to him. my prayer life has developped into more of a play by play to God rather than asking him things and getting responses. i make this distinction because i think that i have listened too much, and in order for God to bless me, i must ask him for something!

in getting on my own two feet, i must ask him in faith for what i want to happen. i want to move, but God knows what i need when i need it, but i can still ask him for it. i want to work at ghp, but even though i know that & God knows that, why shouldn't i ask him for it? i want to have consistency of health--prefereably total healing--but why have i not asked him for it?

this last thing is something that i've struggled with for the past two years--why have i not specifically asked God to heal me? everyone else has. my prayer has been that i be content and that i rely on God in my times of weakness. are these conflicting prayers? is God getting mixed signals? i know that God can heal me, and i know that i want to be healed, but i realize that God has a plan, and i must abide by it. i must submit myself to his plan, but that doesn't mean i have to live a life dejected because i can't run anymore or maintain balance on my own. God has given me so much back from the initial onset, that i am grateful to him for what i have regained. i'm not 100%, but at a certain point, i'm content with that.