forgiveness

i´m glad i´m not God because there are some things i don´t know i could forgive. at least, i don´t know if i could forgive without first doling out consequences or making someone pay for their past, then no longer remembering their wrongdoings.

this comes about after reading of the guilty plea of josef fritzl, the "monster of amstetten," in austria, who locked his daughter away for 24 years and raped her continuously. if he repented and turned his life to Jesus, who is the author and perfector of our faith and through whom we are reconciled to God the Father, he would be as equal a co-heir with Christ in his kingdom as i would be. as a human, i don´t like that idea very much because of the pain he has caused not only his daughter, but her children. these victims now live in a different part of the country with new identities and are receiving intense counseling, but what about the scars of their past?

scars heal our wounds and help make us new, but they also mark a part of our past; each one has a story. Jesus´ blood washes clean our wounds of sin and makes us a new creation! it´s the great wonder of salvation, and it´s freely given to us without holding anything over our heads. that´s another thing that´s hard to reconcile as humans--a free gift.

just wait

i've heard a lot in my life about waiting. i've waited to get through my illness. i've waited for a wife. i've waited for my studies. i've waited for my job as an auxiliar to be processed. i've waited for residency and for residency to be renewed. there's been a lot of waiting in my life.

one thing i've learned about waiting is that the waiting itself is part of the journey, not just a holding pattern before things start. i've tried to seek the Lord in times of waiting to listen to what he has to say to me and learn from the experience as a preparation for the next step.

just wait.

Air 1's verse of the day

"For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him. "

Philippians 2:13, NLT

beauty in the broken

today's title comes from the starfield album "beauty in the broken". they have one song entitled "the hand that holds the world". i thought of this song as today, abruptly, my hips started feeling heavy and kind of hurting. it's 90% humidity today with a 40-70% chance of rain, too.

i found this verse in james 1:18: He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.

God chose us through truth to be the light of his creation. i can dig that when i'm hurting. it's not my fault. it's not his, either. i'm just trying to hold onto his hand. job 12:10 says: "In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind."

satan, in Jesus' name we renounce your works and the control you may have over this world. we reclaim the power of his Kingdom on this earth and declare victory in Jesus' name!

oil can

i started wearing a knee brace to help stabilize my left leg this week. i've had it a little while, but haven't worn it. and sometimes it squeaks. i feel a little bionic. hee hee.

~the tin man

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-VGxYAVx-0

doctor's note

as a prelude, i have an acquired neuromuscular disorder that started 5 years ago, which causes intermittent weakness and weak function. i have not had any new symptoms nor an increase in frequency in the past two months, but the fact that they persist without diagnosis nor real prognosis has caused me to reinitiate a search for a diagnosis.

this morning, i went to the doctor to review the tests he ordered last week. it seems like so much time has passed since i went to the doctor just last week, but in that time i had blood drawn and a blood and urine test last friday. yesterday i picked up the results and went to the doctor today.

i'm normal.

all the tests--5 pages of results--came out completely normal. and my face hung. i feel frustrated, almost let down, because everything came out normal. it's frustrating to obviously have something physically wrong with me, but the paper say that everything's fine. and this is what i went through 5 years ago, too: obvious symptoms, but normal results. i feel let down because i almost wanted them to find something wrong. it may be bad, but at least it has a name. it may not cause any worsening of my symptoms, but at least it's treatable. it's one thing to take medicine to aide with the symptoms--what i did for 4 years--but another to actually treat the cause or even find something that could make me better.

it's been 5 years almost to the day since i first went to the doctor here in madrid. i was studying here during the fall of 2003. i was supposed to stay the academic year (coincidentally, i would have met kelly in january 2004), but since i got sick and needed more tests, i moved back to georgia to pursue medical care and be taken care of by my parents. now, 5 years later, i'm in madrid again, and as the anniversary of my illness rolled around, i started thinking about going back to the doctor. maybe someone in this city, a center for pioneering medical research, could actually find something. and since i don't have to pay for my insurance--paid for by the ministry of education, my employer--kelly convinced me to go ahead and go to the doctor.

i'm stronger now than i was 5 years ago. or 3 years ago. or even 1 year ago. i feel better now than i did even 6 months ago, which is also frustrating because i don't want to scorn the good health i enjoy now by still focusing on the physical problems i have. as i walked to the bus stop this morning, i passed a man who was crippled, begging on the sidewalk. he was sitting there, legs shriveled beneath him and begging for coins. i walked briskly past with my foldable cane neatly in it's case in my bag.

i am absolutely so thankful for being able to walk! why should i push forward to find something wrong with me when i've already gained back so much that i had once lost? and this is my fundamental spiritual quandary. how do i reconcile being thankful for the good health i have with recognizing that my episodes of weakness are not normal?

thanksgiving

i'm thinking about advent and the hope that we have as christians, and i'm thinking about the children i teach. some are very outgoing and outspoken, and i can tell that they are well-adjusted and have families who love them very much. and there are those who look sad in class all the time. i don't know if they're frustrated about not understanding the lesson or if there is something else wrong with them physically, emotionally or developmentally. or perhaps there's discontent in the home, and the only place they may receive any kind of affection or attention is at school. unfortunately, because these are the children who crave the affection of an adult so much, they're also the ones who act out the most, therefore the attention they receive is not reassuring affection, rather rebuking and punishment.

how can i teach these kids and show them Jesus' love for them at the same time if it doesn't seem like they're receptive? there are certain kids i know that if i asked them a question, we'd be 5 minutes before they said anything, so better to ask another kid in the interest of classtime. these same kids will spend twice as long on a class activity, and i don't have the time to give them individual attention in class while every other kid also needs my help.

how can i show them their worth in the eyes of their Heavenly Father when i don't have the time to sit with them to make sure they write the date correctly?

how long did the israelites wait for the Messiah to come and show them he loved them and would take care of them? how patient did the Messiah have to be in order to show the jews that free love and mercy were available in him, that he was the author of eternal life? how frustrated does the Father continually get with us when we want to color the banana orange or say "i'm six" instead of "i'm fine"? and who shows us that kindness, love, affection and reassurance when we look down or don't know how to respond?