23 March 2006

i'm trying

i'm trying to get back on my own two feet. of course, that is the purpose of this blog--the journey to get back what i once had, but i wonder if what i had is once again attainable, or if i'm to get something different due to my circumstances.

because of my illness, i'm physically weak, which is the primary reason i had to leave madrid. but now that i'm working full-time at the high school & part-time at the uni, i feel like i have more control over my physical situation. that's a great feeling...to be a separate entity from my illness which confines me sometimes.

yeseterday, i fell. like out and out my legs went out from under me. it was a private moment, and for that reason, i'm glad because people still don't know what i live with. my weakness still persists, but i have to continue my life despite my weakness. i can't stop living my life just because my legs don't want to work. i guess i'm stubborn that way.

or maybe it's because i know that God watches over me that i can persist and persevere. i've been struggling with my faith and finding my place over the past two years. i guess that's what grad school does to you--you don't just learn your subject; you learn about yourself, too. i'm at the crux of getting on my own two feet in many senses, and it has to do with moving.
1) moving to a new house
2) moving to a new job
3) taking a summer job at governor's school
4) moving to a new Bible study &/or church

so, here i am at these forks in my road. they all seem to be rather large forks, but i think once i pick one, then the others will become smaller. i thank God that he makes the decisions for me; i definitely couldn't do it all by myself! like when i applied to grad school in the first place: i applied to ONLY two places--something unheard of in academia. i was rejected at one and accepted at the other. it was on faith that i wanted to go to grad school, and it was by faith that i moved to spain. so, i have to realize that God knew i was going to get ill in madrid, yet he led me there anyhow.

that's something i hadn't really contemplated before: God knew i was going to get ill in madrid, yet he led me there anyhow.

04 March 2006

this week

on monday, i decided to clean the kitchen. ok, no big deal. it needed to be done since i cooked using three or four pots and several bowls for preparation, so i needed to clean it. besides, the sink was full of dishes that wouldn't go in the dishwahser. i'm cleaning for a couple of hours without any problem. i go the other side of the kitchen, and all of a sudden, my legs go out on me. so here i am, left only supporting myself in a corner of the kitchen, holding on to the counters. i'm essentially frozen in the kitchen (awkward choice of words, i realize), and i need to get either to the couch or my bed--both are on the other side of the house. there's no way i can walk, so i let myself down to the floor and proceed to crawl to my bed over the next 30 minutes. that was some hard stuff to do, but it needed to be done. no one else was around, and since my house isn't wheelchair accessible, that would've done no good to get my chair. i'm tired and frustrated of the inconsistency of my body and my illness.

i went to my doctor on thursday, and since he didn't see my right away, i decided to lay back on the exam table where i was paralyzed for about 40 minutes or so. he examined me while i was paralyzed. this was actually a good thing, so he could see firsthand what i had only been telling him. he suggested i get a psych consult to rule out 'somatoform' syndromes. he mentioned the possibility of a genetic predisposition for me to get this illness, and he did recognize that my symptoms are real, not imaginary, which is reassuring.

i realize that i've got a lot going on in my world right now, and things are not exactly perfect. i feel trapped, frustrated, and feel like i'm spinning my wheels in relationships, my job, and at church. i'm not seeing the results of progress.