this week

on monday, i decided to clean the kitchen. ok, no big deal. it needed to be done since i cooked using three or four pots and several bowls for preparation, so i needed to clean it. besides, the sink was full of dishes that wouldn't go in the dishwahser. i'm cleaning for a couple of hours without any problem. i go the other side of the kitchen, and all of a sudden, my legs go out on me. so here i am, left only supporting myself in a corner of the kitchen, holding on to the counters. i'm essentially frozen in the kitchen (awkward choice of words, i realize), and i need to get either to the couch or my bed--both are on the other side of the house. there's no way i can walk, so i let myself down to the floor and proceed to crawl to my bed over the next 30 minutes. that was some hard stuff to do, but it needed to be done. no one else was around, and since my house isn't wheelchair accessible, that would've done no good to get my chair. i'm tired and frustrated of the inconsistency of my body and my illness.

i went to my doctor on thursday, and since he didn't see my right away, i decided to lay back on the exam table where i was paralyzed for about 40 minutes or so. he examined me while i was paralyzed. this was actually a good thing, so he could see firsthand what i had only been telling him. he suggested i get a psych consult to rule out 'somatoform' syndromes. he mentioned the possibility of a genetic predisposition for me to get this illness, and he did recognize that my symptoms are real, not imaginary, which is reassuring.

i realize that i've got a lot going on in my world right now, and things are not exactly perfect. i feel trapped, frustrated, and feel like i'm spinning my wheels in relationships, my job, and at church. i'm not seeing the results of progress.

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