i'm trying

i'm trying to get back on my own two feet. of course, that is the purpose of this blog--the journey to get back what i once had, but i wonder if what i had is once again attainable, or if i'm to get something different due to my circumstances.

because of my illness, i'm physically weak, which is the primary reason i had to leave madrid. but now that i'm working full-time at the high school & part-time at the uni, i feel like i have more control over my physical situation. that's a great feeling...to be a separate entity from my illness which confines me sometimes.

yeseterday, i fell. like out and out my legs went out from under me. it was a private moment, and for that reason, i'm glad because people still don't know what i live with. my weakness still persists, but i have to continue my life despite my weakness. i can't stop living my life just because my legs don't want to work. i guess i'm stubborn that way.

or maybe it's because i know that God watches over me that i can persist and persevere. i've been struggling with my faith and finding my place over the past two years. i guess that's what grad school does to you--you don't just learn your subject; you learn about yourself, too. i'm at the crux of getting on my own two feet in many senses, and it has to do with moving.
1) moving to a new house
2) moving to a new job
3) taking a summer job at governor's school
4) moving to a new Bible study &/or church

so, here i am at these forks in my road. they all seem to be rather large forks, but i think once i pick one, then the others will become smaller. i thank God that he makes the decisions for me; i definitely couldn't do it all by myself! like when i applied to grad school in the first place: i applied to ONLY two places--something unheard of in academia. i was rejected at one and accepted at the other. it was on faith that i wanted to go to grad school, and it was by faith that i moved to spain. so, i have to realize that God knew i was going to get ill in madrid, yet he led me there anyhow.

that's something i hadn't really contemplated before: God knew i was going to get ill in madrid, yet he led me there anyhow.