continuously continuing to continue

'who among you, if your son asks for bread would give him a scone?' this spiritually enlightening question brought to you by my brother who views english pastry worthy of insertion into the holy scriptures.

i'm working on two essays in preparation to take the entrance exam for the french school at middlebury college. it's a bit rough--not the actual essay-writing process, but the fact that this half determines my fate for next year. yes, i haven't written an essay in two years, but surely it's like riding a bike. and i've enjoyed getting back into it, actually, the nerd that i am. but i just have so much else to do for my jobs including making lesson plans and quizzes, then grading them, plus meetings and extra classes all balanced around my relationship with God and the church.

i promise, i'm trying to simplify! it's just that i feel like (my cousin) vinny waiting to see what else i need to put on top of my pile.

who knew i could reference brittish pastry, education, and a movie allusion all in one post? they gotta let me in for that!

choices

why does it seem that choices have to be so final? it seems to me that every choice i make has an eternal consequence: if i don't go grocery shopping today, i won't have milk for my cereal tomorrow; if i choose to live here, then i must live in said place for the rest of my life; if i have a routine, then i must stick to that routine because that's what grown-ups do--they stick to routines, they make choices, and they live with the results of those choices for the REST of their lives.

i've got the gypsy spirit moving again, and i feel restless because i'm planning on another big move. it's kind of hard to believe that i've been here, settled, for three years now already. with so many others around me settling down into the newness of life--marriage, jobs, kids--i feel left out at times because i have none of those things. in fact, i'm about to leave everything behind and chase a dream. and it's that choice that has me feeling like i'm leaving everything behind forever, and i may have lost my chance at those things.

i read things about people my age traveling around the world or writing books or going on roadtrips, and that appeals to me so much, but i know there's a choice to be made, which involves the big green: $$$. what's the tradeoff between being where i am and being content wherever i am, knowing i have to live with that choice?

i tell ya

if you want good birth control, be a teacher. i say that half in jest because i only have these kids one hour a day. what would i do if i had to LIVE with them? this makes me wonder what i was like as a teenager and going through all the drama that is high school. how much drama did i have? then i think about how much drama i have in my life now--what do i have to study tonight in preparation for tomorrow, what am i going to do this weekend and with whom? hmm, maybe it's not so different.

i blew up at a class today because i was frustrated that my bright students--they really are great--weren't paying attention; instead they were talking about something else that wasn't about the lesson. at times like these, i wonder if i get upset truly because they are not paying attention to the lesson or if they're not paying attention to ME.

i realize that education can make someone egocentric. but just think about it: 25-30 people are supposed to sit at my feet and hang on my every word in order to gain knowledge that will deepen their understanding of the world around them which contributes to their being better citizens, which will, therefore, cause them to work for the good of all mankind. it all starts with ME!

i tell ya, i'm tired. and 'ugly betty' is about to come on.