crash

no, not the dmb song, but i feel like i have a lot of stuff crashing down on me. if one were to take a step back and actually look at it, it probably wouldn't seem like that much, but to me, it seems like a lot. oh, i'll get it done, but i don't have a good attitude about it. more like a dreading sense of drudgery and general apathy but i'll end up grudgingly doing it. i know, this is no attitude to have, and i should work to the best of my ability.

but i'm going on vacation on saturday to visit my bro & fam in arkansas, and i'm super-excited!!! yay for vacation!!!

see, that made my night better. :D

life-changing

this morning, a video of my testimony about my illness and the past three years was shown at church. because i lived through these things over a period of time, it seems so shocking to think back about what happened and to actually see and hear me talk about it candidly onscreen. i prayed it would be something that would lift up God, and i was humbled that steve said that my story reminded us that we don't have to face our giants alone; our church family and our Father are there with us no matter what. after the service, i got a lot of hugs, and i met a lot more people. at first, i was nervous at this baring of my soul. in the past six months or so, i've just lived my life as a part of truenorth; i don't think i had every really sat down and told anyone my story. i was pleased at how the video turned out, and i pray that God uses me how he needs me. i realize that we all have a story to share about the giants we face. and how we overcome them is how our lives are changed.

mirror, mirror

i've been reflecting on my life lately, and i've been pondering where i have been and where i'm going. where was i and where will i be? it's such a confusing thing to have to do through at any age, time, situation. but why me? why have i felt the need to feel especially reflexive. (no, it's not because i'm teaching reflexive verbs in spanish class--in case you were wondering.)

part of it is really establishing myself on my own two feet, which has been such a terrific experience these past few months! of course, there's the rent, but that means that i have a little stake in the american dream. i have two floors of wall-to-wall carpet, electricity, heat & a/c, a refrigerator full of food (note to self: get milk), and i have been blessed with the job to pay for it. when i was in honduras, i saw entire families living in two rooms without electricity or indoor plumbing and glad to have concrete floors put in. no, not to replace the old one, but to cover the dirt floor they had.

from inside my american bubble, i'm looking at going back out into the world that almost killed me three years ago. as i continue with residual weakness, i still wonder what it's going to be like once again. well, it's been three months on my own and no catastrophes, so that's a plus. ;) besides, the key is, as my parents always taught me, is to connect to a church. i have been blessed to be raised in the church and to have the peace of the Holy Spirit guiding me. it really is a peace that passes all understanding! i revel in that peace no matter what goes on around me or how i feel or standing in front of my own insufficiencies. and boy, i tell you, those insufficiencies can mount up and up until you can't see over the top of them. but God's love shines through them and the power of Jesus' blood broke through those bonds. he carries us in his arms, and though he doesn't promise as gentle ride as lexus, he still gives me the peace and the strength i need for today.

tomorrow has enough trouble of its own.

recently

let's play the recently game:
-i went to facedown at tnc & had a blast worshiping & taking communion
-i went to atlanta to visit with a friend from school who was just through for the day
-after having a week to reflect on facedown and its impact, i wrote some
-printed out the papers to apply to my doctoral program
-not yet sent them in (even though they're almost finished, it just seems so final!)
-thought i was having a stroke, but really didn't (the most expensive migraine i've ever had!)
-finding new ways to be creative in my classes
-trying not to get bogged down in the mundane, but taking time to celebrate God's glorious creation and gifts

that's all for now. thanks for playing.

awesomness

today was the day o'awesomeness for two reasons: 1) a student in my french class at the high school told me today that in preparation for reciting a memorized poem for my class, his mom surprised him by signing him up for an open mic night reading unbeknownst to him. i told him i had to meet his mom! 2) i gave an exam tonight in my college spanish class & they had all passed out green pens before i arrived, so they wrote their exams in green ink. at first, i just thought someone only had a green pen--no black nor blue--but then i saw another exam come in with green ink, then looked up and saw everyone using green pens! of course, it's not that hard to find out that i like green since my big ol' bag is green & the dry erase marker i use every class is green. i just thought that was too cool that they did that.

o happy day.

creativity

i've had a burst of creative energy lately, and i don't quite know how i can make the most of it. i've written a few things--or at least tried to when the iron was hot--but my creative energy has come lately in the form of seeing things artistically. now, i'm no ansel adams, but i like to take some fotographs, but the times that i've wanted to snap a photo, i haven't had my camera with me. perhaps i need to either invest in a camera phone or carry my camera with me always. ok, maybe i need to take my camera and a small notebook with me so i can snap a photo or write a poem as i need. or i could get one of those camera phones with a voice recorder so i can record my creative thoughts, then transpose them later.

ok, who's got a camera phone?

looking back

i came to asu tonight to work--you know, grown up things like research and write papers and look at ways i can get published. but now, i'm working in the library as an instructor, and i'm sitting in the very spot i used to sit at when i was a student here. it's kind of weird looking at the young faces around me, knowing i was once one of them. how many more have passed before me, and how many more will pass after me, into my classroom, or just generally on campus?

in my brokenness complete

'here i am at your feet, in my brokenness complete'

that was the last chorus that we sang this morning at tnc. it really touched me especially because after two weeks of having difficulty walking, was i was able to stand during the worship service. it was also especially moving because i played ultimate frisbee for the first time in over 3 years yesterday!! in gearing up for a series on facing the giants next week at church, i just faced one yesterday. i played with some new friends--i'm sure God put them in my life--for about 3 hours. this is extreme rejoicing in my family!

three years ago, i said goodbye to regular use of my legs. in 2004, i was in a wheelchair with limited use of my arms as well, in addition to times of altered speech (which persist). in 2005, i was walking pretty steadily on crutches (either 1 or 2). now in the fall of 2006, i'm walking pretty well, sometimes with a limp, sometimes getting a little tired, but what i have learned through all this is that though i may not be able to play ultimate frisbee again, for those hours, i was soaring on wings like eagles!!

i cannot adequately describe here the sheer exhiliration i felt at running, huffing & puffing, and ducking to grab the frisbee. it was something i grieved, something that set me apart from others, and just last week, i was feeling down because i couldn't fit in with other guys my age. because of my illness, i don't fit the typical 25 yr old guy idea, and that had been bothering me. in being a part of a church that encourages us all to be an integral part of the church body, which something i deeply believe in as well, i didn't know what i could offer. i realized just this morning during that last chorus that all i have to give is the life Christ gave to me (thanks to third day's song 'offering').

here i am at your feet, in my brokenness complete.

investing

they're always telling us to invest--ira's, stocks, bonds; invest in people, invest in the future of your children; invest your time. what is our return? now, i'm looking at taking the next step in my education, and in looking back at where i've been, i'm looking at what i've invested and what more i have to invest. how will the amount i invest in certain things change over the years as i mature, continue in my career, invest in a family? how will my life change with each of these steps? how has it changed already?

in the eyes of my youth (and probably those of my students), my life seems like it's been so long already, and in looking towards the end of it all, it seems even longer! it's sobering to think of my life as having the potential of being so long. so many places to see or left unseen, so many stories to tell or hear, so many lives to touch and to be touched by.

i guess becoming an uncle makes one introspective. ;)

realization

wednesday night i was a journey team, and we were telling our stories. it came to be my turn, and i said it had been three years since i'd been ill. as i sat there recounting my story, it really hit me how long it has actually been. in the smally scheme of things, three years is nothing. i was in high school for four years, in college another three, and it took me two to do grad school. i was a teenager for, what, nine years. so why is this *three* so significant to me?

it's probably because of how great a turn my life took. not being able to move your body for extended periods of time will do that you. being in and out of a wheelchair for a year and a half or so will do that to you. not being able to hear your own voice at certain times will do that to you. walking fine one day, then not being able to at all this weekend can have an effect on you. i still struggle with the question 'why?', but it doesn't matter to me as much as it has to those around me. i've gotten better at being on my own two feet, and i'm very proud of that and thankful that God has given me the strength to be independent. i have a great job, and i'm active my church, which has accepted me so openly partly because they don't really know me any other way.

but, why does a feeling of insignificance still crop up despite all i've been able to do these past three years? at times i believe i'm living a full life. other times, i feel like i'm still trying to reclaim what i lost. how much did i lose? i think i lost pride in my own abilities, and i've gained a new sense in relying on God. i have to rely on Him in order to get out of bed in the morning, to make my breakfast, to not fall down. i have to rely on him to give me the words to say.

i'm extremely thankful to everyone who has had an impact in my life over the past three years, and i truly cherish our relationships. thank you for your strength, which reflects our Father's.

identity

so, you can see that i've been dealing with my identity from reading the past few posts. (actually, it's been almost three years.) i'm a Christ-follower, a teacher, a friend, a brother, a son, a writer, a singer, a disabled person. i know God made me in his image. i revel in the fact that i am loved by my Father and that he has put me exactly where i need to be in order for his purpose, and i'm excited at discovering more about what it is! i wonder how i can reconcile all that i am as a witness.

anonymity

i can't hide in anonymity any longer. by the fact that i grew up in augusta, i can always run in to people i knew from back in the day. the fact i'm a teacher makes me recognizable to my students when i'm out on the town. that became ever so clear this past weekend as i was at first friday, and several of my students came up to me to say hi. then i have my disorder, which causes me to walk a little differently than others, so i can't really blend into the crowd. besides, i'm tall and have a dark beard, so that sets me apart from the fair-skinned blondes prevalent here.

even though i can be spotted from fifty paces by an acquaintance, i am dear to God. he knows my name, he knows what i'm feeling. he knows when i'm not feeling well or when i need help, and it's at those precise moments that he sends someone my way who may not realize the part they play in my life.

you're not anonymous; God knows your name.

emociones

the following is part of a lyric by a spanish group called jarabe de palo. the song is called "emociones" ("emotions"), and it pretty much sums up what i'm feeling now.

emociones convertidas en canciones en miradas en / temores en olores que se escapan /emociones que decoran donde se esconden encerradas en / prisiones con muy poca vigilancia. / emoción por despertar las emociones / por revelar las emociones / que recorren mi cabeza.

basically it's talking about all the emotions that are going on inside the singer's head, and he can't quite get them out, but not for lack of trying; it's just there are so many in there, it's almost like they're imprisioned.

i've been feeling swept up in a lot of emotions lately--excitement being the biggest, but also some fear, some lonelieness, happiness, uncertainty, and desire. i think about gavin degraw's song "i don't want to be", and at times i feel like i can take that as my manifesto & just be me. then there are other times when i get to comparing myself to others, and i find myself somehow missing some crucial thing that they have which would make me a better person.

ah, if only i could repress the desire for comparisions that thwart my individuality.

wake up and smell the coffee

i know it's been just over a month since i last posted. this past month has been a roller coaster ride of new things, and i'm glad to have experienced them. in this past month, i started a relationship with a girl whom i think is wonderful and she thinks i'm wonderful, too! (we won't tell her that i'm really not, but just let her keep thinking that i am.) and that's wonderful, too--that she sees my faults, knows i'm not perfect, is discovering my weaknesses, and decides/pursues/desires/chooses me! it blows me away.

a new school year has started, and i had to prepare for that as a teacher. i have the bulletin board set up, the monthly calendar, and my students are settled into a good routine with learning. overall, it seems quite calm now. however, at the beginning of the year, everyone is feeling out the system, so we'll see. i hope to maintain a good learning atmosphere for my students at the high school. my class at the uni started this week, and my students are very receptive and laugh at my jokes, so that's a good thing. ;)

during my blog hiatus, i've also moved into a place of my own, thus taking a giant step in making it on my own two feet. it's a two story townhouse very centrally located, and i'm getting used to it. i haven't lived in a two story house in 20 years (no, seriously, it's been 20 years), so i'm adjusting. i like waking up in my own house and making my own coffee in my own kitchen in my underwear. (just had to throw that in. sorry for any scarring from that mental image.)

most importantly, i've learned more about myself and how to prioritize what i have to do. no one else is helping me now; it's all on my shoulders, so if i drop the ball, the ball stays dropped until i'm able to pick it up again. my family rejoices with me that i am recovered enough to make this move, but i'm still reminded of how i need to rely on God's strength for every movement. i take refuge in the verse that says that when i am weak, He is strong. indeed, when i am weak, i feel like i am more able to receive God's word, to listen to his guiding, to revel in his love and glory.

something steve said this past sunday, "God delights in me," really struck a chord. God delights in me. he knows my faults and my weaknesses, and he created my strengths. that just makes me a little happier! :D

grace & peace.

thanksgiving

thanksgiving came early this year. i went to atlanta yesterday, and spent practically the whole day in and out of restaurants. i started a new relationship. i spent two hours in borders reading poetry. i heard a girl whisper poetry to herself; i thought i was the only one that did that. and, yes, we spent a good bit of time eating.

we went to see rob bell of nooma.com talk about the creation and how everything that God created relates to everything else. everything is connected. everything is spiritual. he spoke two hours straight and used up the entire space of a white board about 20 ft long. his energy was electrifying and spontaneous, yet he spoke with such authority! he even talked about the space-time contiuum, which i had used as an example for teaching verb tenses. i think we could be friends.

how do we mark new beginnings? with muffin tops from atlanta bread company or coffee cups or certain robes. a friend said that Jesus should be a major occurrence, not a minor disturbance. how do i mark a new beginning? how have i shown that i have had a major encounter with Jesus Christ?

butterflies

new things are happening in my life and in the lives of those close to me. church is fantastic. i've developping new & deeper friendships, i looked at a flat today, and i get to spend all day tomorrow with a pretty girl and see rob bell from nooma.com speak. i've actually got butterflies.

rent

i was listening to the rent soundtrack tonight, and two songs hit me, just like every time i listen to them. i hold onto these songs because i feel like i'm just 'renting' this body. they're short songs, so i'll include them here below.

i find some of what you teach suspect because i rely on intellect, but i try to open up to what i don't know because reason says i should have died three years ago. there's only us, there's only this. forget regret, your life is yours to lose. no other road, no other way. no day but today.

will i lose my dignity? will someone care? will i wake tomorrow from this nightmare?

***

things are happening

Be glad for all God is planning for you. Be patient in trouble, and always be prayerful. Romans 12:12 NLT

i've been hearing other people talk about life changes in addition to what's going on at church, and i thought this verse from radio station air1.com really fits. how are we finding our way in the midst of all these changes? kevin wrote a post about change being the only constant, and i can totally relate to that. to close with a quote from that wonderful movie lone star state of mind, baby says 'if you're not living, you're dying.'

living sacrifices

Romans 12: 1: Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship. (emphasis added)

by having a neuromuscular disorder that causes muscle weakness and difficulties with balance and gait, i struggle with how i can fit into society--secular and christian--as an independent and potent man who can take care of himself. but on the ride home from journey team tonight, Romans 12:1 hit me: i should offer my body as a living sacrifice, which is my spiritual act of worship. if i offer my body to God, weak legs and all, then i am worshipping him! a sacrifice is something that was offered once--burnt on the altar to God. the fact that we are LIVING sacrifices means that the fire continues to consume us, purifying us to be more like God as we are made in his image. our spiritual act of worship takes away all trappings of our physical nature. as i heard once, we are not physical beings having a spiritual experience, rather spiritual beings having a physical experience. what matters to God is my heart and my spirit coinciding with his will. man looks at my crutches, but God looks at my heart.

i got to thinking about how i interact with others, or what i do in order to show others Jesus living in me. i was doing just fine earlier today and was able to accomplish things i wanted to do. but as it drew nearer to the time to go to Bible study, i was feeling weak. there's a spiritual war going on around me, and i can feel that the more intensely i want to be with other christians, the the weaker i feel.

Lord, i offer my body to you as you made me and with the weaknesses you permit me to have. i thank you for the community i have that supports me and spurs me on to worshipping you! you are all-powerful, and i worship you for your great rule over the universe, but the fact that you care about knowing me intimately blows me away. you are holy, and i want to be wholly yours.

rediscovery

i recently e-mailed a girl i hadn't talked to in about a year. we have a long history together, and it's a new beginning/continuation of our friendship. she's been extremely patient with me as i've grown into who i am right now. since i've been on vacation, i've been doing a whole lot of nothing. just reading, reflecting, listening to music and hanging out with friends. as you can see, it's been a whole month of r&r--very deserved for a teacher. :)

but in my community groups, i keep hearing the phrase 'know your heart', and i've been thinking about how i project myself and how others perceive me. how real have i been lately? i've been thinking about that as i went through some of my writings from over the past five years--things written in joyous times and times when i've been at the end of my rope. in reading about those dark times, they're such distant memories, almost like another person wrote those things. it's like i don't know that person anymore.

am i still that person, have i tried to hide that person, or have i understood the changing power of God's grace? these are questions i've been pondering.

grace and peace.